captain_slinky: (Default)
[personal profile] captain_slinky
I hate how WRONG i am about alcohol. I wish I liked it. I wish it didn't make me so paranoid that I can never accept anyone's offer to go anywhere or do anything or hang out. There have just been too many times where I've been assured that there would be no drinking and it all just turns terrible because one of these things has to happen when somebody wants to drink (because why would you do ANYTHING without drinking?):

1) SECRET DRINKING: "Don't let Brian know, but there's a bottle of _____ in the kitchen you can slip back there and have a shot, he'll never know". I KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN, YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ME YOU'RE JUST LIEING TO ME AND I HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH IT OR ELSE I'M THE ASSHOLE!

2) PASSIVE DRINKING: "Ooh, sorry! I forgot that you're not okay with this! Do you want me to get rid of this? Because I'll totally get rid of it if you want me to". NO DAMMIT! THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WANT TO COME! I DON'T WANT TO BE THE ONLY REASON NO ONE CAN DRINK! I DON'T WANT TO BE THE BAD GUY! PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME THE BAD GUY BY MAKING ME THE ENFORCER!

3) PERMISSION DRINKING: "Hey, I know we said there wouldn't be any drinking, but would you mind if I had just, like, *one beer*? It just sounds really good right now". OF COURSE I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU THAT YOU CAN'T HAVE A BEER! I CAN'T DO THAT! THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T WANT TO COME TO THIS THING IN THE FIRST PLACE!

4) ANGER DRINKING: "I know that The Host said there's no drinking, but I'm a GROWN-UP and NOBODY tells me what I can or can't do! You don't like it, then just look away". THAT'S WHAT I TRIED TO DO BY NOT COMING HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE! I'M TRYING TO NOT LOOK, I SWEAR!

5) NEGOTIATION DRINKING: "I'm going to have just, like, one or two drinks. Not enough to get *drunk*, I'm only drinking it because I like the taste. I know my limit. I'll stop WAY before I start to get tipsy". "BUZZED", "TIPSY", "LIT"... THERE ARE TONS OF WORDS FOR "DRUNK" SO YOU WON'T HAVE TO ACTUALLY SAY THE WORD "DRUNK"! IF YOU HIT A KID WITH YOUR CAR, THEY'RE NOT GOING TO CHARGE YOU WITH "BUZZED DRIVING", YOU'RE DRUNK!

Ugh... I'm out of rage. I'm out of caring. I'm out of trying. I'm drained. I've been shaking all morning while trying to defend myself, when what I have is a completely undefendable situation. I know people care about me, I know that they just want to help me and defend their own actions. I know that this, above everything else that's weird about me, is the one thing that truly makes me a terrible person.

I just need to get over it already... but i don't want to? I don't want to be the type of person who accepts "I was drunk" as a viable excuse for terrible behavior. I don't want to be the type of person who believes in an undefined scale of "Buzzed" to "Drunk" with a thousand degrees between the two that somehow rationalize poisoning yourself and becoming a danger to yourself and others.

I need a nap :(

Date: 2017-03-23 06:28 pm (UTC)
aurora77: (Default)
From: [personal profile] aurora77
You're not wrong. You're just different. You acknowledge that the fear is not completely logical, but phobias are not logical. It's not something you choose to do. It's just part of you. And if people want you to be around, they need respect that.

Tell them, "I know it's not logical. It's an uncontrollable phobia. If you choose to drink, I will need to leave." That puts the choice whether or not to be the asshole back in their court.

The other part is that you need to follow up by leaving if they do decide to drink anyway. That sucks, but maybe they'll feel guilty and not do it next time. If you don't leave, they think that it's really not that bad and they'll do it again next time.

Russell & I are completely on board with you here. If you want to visit, there will be no drinking. Not that we ever really drink much anyway. We'd much rather spend time with you than have a beer and no you. Alcohol is overrated.

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