Mar. 23rd, 2017

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I hate how WRONG i am about alcohol. I wish I liked it. I wish it didn't make me so paranoid that I can never accept anyone's offer to go anywhere or do anything or hang out. There have just been too many times where I've been assured that there would be no drinking and it all just turns terrible because one of these things has to happen when somebody wants to drink (because why would you do ANYTHING without drinking?):

1) SECRET DRINKING: "Don't let Brian know, but there's a bottle of _____ in the kitchen you can slip back there and have a shot, he'll never know". I KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN, YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ME YOU'RE JUST LIEING TO ME AND I HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH IT OR ELSE I'M THE ASSHOLE!

2) PASSIVE DRINKING: "Ooh, sorry! I forgot that you're not okay with this! Do you want me to get rid of this? Because I'll totally get rid of it if you want me to". NO DAMMIT! THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WANT TO COME! I DON'T WANT TO BE THE ONLY REASON NO ONE CAN DRINK! I DON'T WANT TO BE THE BAD GUY! PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME THE BAD GUY BY MAKING ME THE ENFORCER!

3) PERMISSION DRINKING: "Hey, I know we said there wouldn't be any drinking, but would you mind if I had just, like, *one beer*? It just sounds really good right now". OF COURSE I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU THAT YOU CAN'T HAVE A BEER! I CAN'T DO THAT! THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T WANT TO COME TO THIS THING IN THE FIRST PLACE!

4) ANGER DRINKING: "I know that The Host said there's no drinking, but I'm a GROWN-UP and NOBODY tells me what I can or can't do! You don't like it, then just look away". THAT'S WHAT I TRIED TO DO BY NOT COMING HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE! I'M TRYING TO NOT LOOK, I SWEAR!

5) NEGOTIATION DRINKING: "I'm going to have just, like, one or two drinks. Not enough to get *drunk*, I'm only drinking it because I like the taste. I know my limit. I'll stop WAY before I start to get tipsy". "BUZZED", "TIPSY", "LIT"... THERE ARE TONS OF WORDS FOR "DRUNK" SO YOU WON'T HAVE TO ACTUALLY SAY THE WORD "DRUNK"! IF YOU HIT A KID WITH YOUR CAR, THEY'RE NOT GOING TO CHARGE YOU WITH "BUZZED DRIVING", YOU'RE DRUNK!

Ugh... I'm out of rage. I'm out of caring. I'm out of trying. I'm drained. I've been shaking all morning while trying to defend myself, when what I have is a completely undefendable situation. I know people care about me, I know that they just want to help me and defend their own actions. I know that this, above everything else that's weird about me, is the one thing that truly makes me a terrible person.

I just need to get over it already... but i don't want to? I don't want to be the type of person who accepts "I was drunk" as a viable excuse for terrible behavior. I don't want to be the type of person who believes in an undefined scale of "Buzzed" to "Drunk" with a thousand degrees between the two that somehow rationalize poisoning yourself and becoming a danger to yourself and others.

I need a nap :(

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