captain_slinky: (Default)
I want you to think of that one thing that you think is the least-sexy part of your body. Or that one physical trait you have that makes you so self conscious. Maybe you have a big nose, or a beer belly, or love handles, or uncontrollable ear hair... that one thing about you that makes you feel super-unsexy when you look in the mirror.

Crazy teeth, small boobs, tiny wiener, pimply butt, bushy-bushy eye brows, lazy eye, festering boils, gnarly toes, hairy back... EVERYBODY has something.

And don't give me any of that "I think I look fine and there's nothing wrong with me because I love myself and accept my body as it was -" SHUT UP! We're not talking about your self esteem here! We're talking about that stuff that keeps you from being a Professional Model. And not a Lane Bryant or Big Dogs model... we're talking SEARS CATALOG UNDERWEAR SECTION.

Okay, so now that you have that special part of your body in mind, you are ready to answer the real question:

A skeezy little man with a thin mustache and a polyester shirt comes up to you and says "MY GOD! Your (_Least Favorite Unsexy Attribute_)! It's... it's PERFECT! I'm a casting director of Pornography that happens to feature (_Least Favorite Unsexy Attribute_)! I'll make you RICH and FAMOUS!"

Would you star in Porn that features that one part of you that you dislike the most?
captain_slinky: (Default)
Which is a Skankier profession; Topless Waitress, or Bikini Coffee Barrista?

I have a feeling that those lingerie coffee ladies think that they're way classier than Topless Waitresses, but in my book they're about even. i think it's 'cuz both occupations try to make small talk by bringing up their kids. Hey lady! i don't CARE if little Cody is turning three next weekend! Just because *I* brought in *MY* kid doesn't mean i want to hear about YOURS! Now bring me another drink and make with the bouncy-bouncy before i gotta speak with your Shift Supervisor!
captain_slinky: (Default)
Flavoring from "Flavored" things that don't actually taste like the things that they are supposed to taste like but instead just taste like all the other things that are flavored to taste like that thing (with at least one example).
  • "Pizza" (Pizza Cravers Doritos Corn Chips)
  • "Grape" (Grape Bubbleyum Bubble Gum)
  • "Cheese" (Kraft Macaroni & Cheese)
  • "Banana" (Tropical Fruits Banana Flavored Lifesavers candy)
  • "Fruit" (Froot Loops Cereal)

Anti-Nudist

Apr. 9th, 2009 12:56 pm
captain_slinky: (Default)
Most days I'm lucky if I can get Molly to wear even a T-Shirt. A full set of clothing including pants, shirt AND underwear is a monumental feat of which legend is born. And even if i *do* gat her to put on any amount of clothing, it only takes a few moments of me checking my e-mail or updating my blog before I hear "Daaaaaaadeeeeee... Looky me! I'm NAKEEE!"

However, in her ongoing efforts to keep me completely off-balance, today she is wearing a dress, 2 t-shirts, a sweater, a coat, 2 pairs of underwear, a pair of pajama bottoms and a pair of jeans. Oh, and her Spongebob shoes.

Fifty-One

Apr. 8th, 2009 09:42 am
captain_slinky: (Default)
It's been 51 minutes since I decided that I'm gonna try to write an article about being a thrifty geek and try to shop it around to the various industry magazines.

During my writing process I've cooked breakfast for Molly, made her a toga out of her Cabbage Patch Kids sheet, checked my e-mail 27 times and cooked myself a chicken sandwich with fries.

I've got two pages of false starts that just don't feel right.

I am a terrible, horrible FAILURE of a writer.

Because, y'know... it usually takes less than an hour to knock out a properly worded final draft of anything.
captain_slinky: (Default)
I'm not sure if it'll become my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE WORD OF ALL TIME or anything, but today I am especially fond of the word "Loaf". Consider it, won't you?

"Loaf" is one of those rare words that is both a Noun *and* a Verb, where the two definitions have almost nothing in common. Regardless of what you're using it for, though, "Loaf" is always a warm, comforting thing. You can't go wrong with a sentence that has "Loaf" in it!

"I'm just gonna loaf around today" is an awesome sentence. No commitments, no worries, just maxin' and relaxin', dawg.

"I think I'll make some Meat Loaf for dinner tonight" is awesome. Most any food that comes in a loaf* is considered to be a Comfort Food. How comforting!

My darling wife tried to point out the term "Pinching off a loaf" as an unpleasant common use of the word loaf, but i disagree; "Pinching off A Loaf" has to be just about the happiest, most relaxed term for pooping that I've ever come across!

Loaf... my nomination for Word of The Year :)

*(this of course excludes all the "I'll prove Captain Slinky wrong by suggesting a non-standard loaf like Kitten Loaf or Razor Barbed Wire loaf" that are floating around in your head right now)
captain_slinky: (Default)
If "April Showers Bring may Flowers"... what do these April Snows bring us?

[Poll #1376353]

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