Nearly a year later and I've STILL got it!
Hard to believe that it's almost been a YEAR since I lost my job with Comcast. Even harder to believe, though, is that i can STILL take inappropriate humor WAY TOO FAR.
The other day, I took my 2-year-old daughter to The Alderwood Mall for some breakfast and a rousing session of "Climb The Foam Structures In The Mall Playland".
We dined at "Ruby's Diner", where the adorably retro-waitress gave Molly a big red balloon with their corporate logo on it. Molly (as well as all children I'm sure) LOVES balloons! i tied it to the back belt-loop of her pants to make sure it didn't fly away and off we went to The Mall Playland.
Once there, I removed her shoes and the balloon so that she could run around freely and climb all over the Northwest-themed playground equipment (her favorite was Mount Rainier). So there I am on the sidelines, holding her shoes and a bit red balloon while she climbs.
I need to stop the narrative for just a moment because i realize that not everyone has met me in person so you don't know how intimidating this image should be. I'm a big fella (327-lbs, 5'11"). very hairy with a scraggly beard and wild, untamed messy/greasy hair, usually wearing a slightly stained Hoody sweat-shirt unzipped just enough to show off my T-shirt that is featuring either super hero or a cartoon character. Everything about me screams "Parents are urged to keep their children away from THIS MAN, and to contact local authorities if he comes within 500-feet of any schools or playgrounds".
So there I am, standing in the Playland with a Superman t-shirt, unwashed hair, scraggly beard and a balloon. Looking at all the children and smiling, trying my best to be non-threatening. And it WORKED! A little boy who was just barely old enough to be walking toddled up to me and smiled, reaching for the big red balloon.
"Well hey there buddy! You like Balloons? Sure! You want to see it? Look... Oh, you LOVE balloons!"
Cue The Concerned Mother. "Andrew... ANDREW! That's not your balloon, honey... c'mon, let's go play..."
"Oh, its okay, ma'm" I said in my most reassuring tone. "My daughter's way to busy scaling Mount Rainier to care if Andrew plays with the balloon for a little while"
And so The Concerned Mother relaxed a little bit. "Andrew, be careful... you don't want to pop the balloon!"
THIS IS WHERE I GOT TOO COMFORTABLE AND STARTED TO JOKE AROUND.
"That's right, Buddy..." I said to the child "...If it breaks then it stops being FUN and starts being a CHOKING HAZZARD!"
"Heh heh... heh..." says The Concerned Mother.
I recover quickly. "Of course, you needn't worry... Molly's favorite things on the WORLD are Balloons and I've gotten quite good at retrieving Balloon Shrapnel before it can close-off the throat"
"Heh heh... heh... yeah... Okay Andrew, let's go play! Let's leave the nice man and his balloon! Say Thank You for letting us play with the balloon!"
"You're welcome, little buddy... any time!"
Oh, but it gets worse.
A few minutes later, Andrew is back at my feet, begging for more Balloon Time.
"Well hi there little buddy! Ready for more Balloon Time, I see?"
The Concerned Mother, now feeling a little bit more at ease with me, decides to make a joke.
BIG MISTAKE.
The Concerned Mother jokes "Wow, you're like The Pied Piper of Hamelin with that balloon.. the kids must just flock to you and follow you EVERYWHERE!"
I responded "Oh yeah, and let me tell you these kids sell like HOTCAKES on Ebay! You wouldn't BELIEVE how much folks will pay for even an imperfect white kid!"
The Concerned Mother gave another one of her "Heh heh... heh" responses to me, but this one was a bit heartier. Like maybe she was realizing that I make wacky, flippant comments like that and mean no harm.
BUT THEN MY INAPPROPRIATE-ENGINE KICKED IN TO OVERDRIVE
I turned to her and looked at her, all emotion drained from my face, staring blankly in to her eyes, and i said as calmly as possible...
"No... *Seriously*... I steal children and I sell them"
-----------------------------------------------------------
I don't know why i did it. In my head it was HILARIOUS. Heck, in my head it's STILL hilarious! My delivery and timing were PERFECT! I saw the opportunity to seriously mess with a housewife's mind, and i took it! The joke was for no one but myself, and i cherish it!
Although i *am* a bit concerned that they might put a security team on me next time I visit the mall.
The other day, I took my 2-year-old daughter to The Alderwood Mall for some breakfast and a rousing session of "Climb The Foam Structures In The Mall Playland".
We dined at "Ruby's Diner", where the adorably retro-waitress gave Molly a big red balloon with their corporate logo on it. Molly (as well as all children I'm sure) LOVES balloons! i tied it to the back belt-loop of her pants to make sure it didn't fly away and off we went to The Mall Playland.
Once there, I removed her shoes and the balloon so that she could run around freely and climb all over the Northwest-themed playground equipment (her favorite was Mount Rainier). So there I am on the sidelines, holding her shoes and a bit red balloon while she climbs.
I need to stop the narrative for just a moment because i realize that not everyone has met me in person so you don't know how intimidating this image should be. I'm a big fella (327-lbs, 5'11"). very hairy with a scraggly beard and wild, untamed messy/greasy hair, usually wearing a slightly stained Hoody sweat-shirt unzipped just enough to show off my T-shirt that is featuring either super hero or a cartoon character. Everything about me screams "Parents are urged to keep their children away from THIS MAN, and to contact local authorities if he comes within 500-feet of any schools or playgrounds".
So there I am, standing in the Playland with a Superman t-shirt, unwashed hair, scraggly beard and a balloon. Looking at all the children and smiling, trying my best to be non-threatening. And it WORKED! A little boy who was just barely old enough to be walking toddled up to me and smiled, reaching for the big red balloon.
"Well hey there buddy! You like Balloons? Sure! You want to see it? Look... Oh, you LOVE balloons!"
Cue The Concerned Mother. "Andrew... ANDREW! That's not your balloon, honey... c'mon, let's go play..."
"Oh, its okay, ma'm" I said in my most reassuring tone. "My daughter's way to busy scaling Mount Rainier to care if Andrew plays with the balloon for a little while"
And so The Concerned Mother relaxed a little bit. "Andrew, be careful... you don't want to pop the balloon!"
THIS IS WHERE I GOT TOO COMFORTABLE AND STARTED TO JOKE AROUND.
"That's right, Buddy..." I said to the child "...If it breaks then it stops being FUN and starts being a CHOKING HAZZARD!"
"Heh heh... heh..." says The Concerned Mother.
I recover quickly. "Of course, you needn't worry... Molly's favorite things on the WORLD are Balloons and I've gotten quite good at retrieving Balloon Shrapnel before it can close-off the throat"
"Heh heh... heh... yeah... Okay Andrew, let's go play! Let's leave the nice man and his balloon! Say Thank You for letting us play with the balloon!"
"You're welcome, little buddy... any time!"
Oh, but it gets worse.
A few minutes later, Andrew is back at my feet, begging for more Balloon Time.
"Well hi there little buddy! Ready for more Balloon Time, I see?"
The Concerned Mother, now feeling a little bit more at ease with me, decides to make a joke.
BIG MISTAKE.
The Concerned Mother jokes "Wow, you're like The Pied Piper of Hamelin with that balloon.. the kids must just flock to you and follow you EVERYWHERE!"
I responded "Oh yeah, and let me tell you these kids sell like HOTCAKES on Ebay! You wouldn't BELIEVE how much folks will pay for even an imperfect white kid!"
The Concerned Mother gave another one of her "Heh heh... heh" responses to me, but this one was a bit heartier. Like maybe she was realizing that I make wacky, flippant comments like that and mean no harm.
BUT THEN MY INAPPROPRIATE-ENGINE KICKED IN TO OVERDRIVE
I turned to her and looked at her, all emotion drained from my face, staring blankly in to her eyes, and i said as calmly as possible...
"No... *Seriously*... I steal children and I sell them"
-----------------------------------------------------------
I don't know why i did it. In my head it was HILARIOUS. Heck, in my head it's STILL hilarious! My delivery and timing were PERFECT! I saw the opportunity to seriously mess with a housewife's mind, and i took it! The joke was for no one but myself, and i cherish it!
Although i *am* a bit concerned that they might put a security team on me next time I visit the mall.