captain_slinky (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
captain_slinky) wrote2009-10-25 11:33 pm
captain_slinky) wrote2009-10-25 11:33 pm
Nostalgiapressioncholic?
It's 11:30pm, and I'm all alone in the living rom watching The Brady Bunch on TVLand and eating Mac-N-Cheese with Meatloaf (the food product, not the rock-n-roll superstar).
It reminds me of "The Good Old Days" that were some of the worst times of my life that I miss dearly. Isn't that weird?
My head gets all fuzzy when trying to remember specifics, but I think it was around... 1998? Sounds about right. I had a crappy little one-bedroom apartment in Renton that I shared with nobody but my loneliness and my inability to get over THAT ONE GIRL... the same girl that all guys have trouble getting over because she was, aside from other monumental "Firsts", the first girl to dump me. But that had been THREE YEARS ago. I just wasn't very good at "Letting Go".
Other than work and the occasional pitty-visit from![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dotgirl and her husband, I spent all my time ALONE. I spent every paycheck on comic books, pornography and a Satellite TV Set-up... the most important part being The Satellite TV Set-up. It was The Golden Age of Nick-At-Nite with re-runs of Three's Company, Happy Days, Laverne & Shirley, Beverly Hillbillies and... The Brady Bunch.
I was SO in to classic TV, I "skipped" Christmas one year and stayed home watching the Andy Griffith Merry-thon instead of spending any time with anyone real.
I can remember the weird self-hatred depression binge eating I'd do night after night... I was so FREE to do whatever I wanted and ends up that all I wanted to do was watch old TV shows and eat Hot Pockets! And thanks to all the depression/self-loathing going on, I kept convincing myself that this was what the rest of my life was going to be like. THIS was the best it was ever going to get. This was...
I can still feel it. It's burning, right down *there*, someplace behind my soul. That voice keeps talking to me, only now it says that without Crystal... without Molly... my life would go right back to that same dark, lonely place. And sitting here, in the dark, alone, eating "Comfort Food" I'm reminded of how EASY it would be to slip back in to those old habits.
Thing is, though... it's really *comfortable* here in the dark, surrounded by all the stuff I know. So I guess what's really bothering me is that I wouldn't be too shaken if it all just went away? Trying to put my finger on it here.
If I were to wake up tomorrow morning to find that it was all just some wonderfully cruel and ironic dream? If all I had to look forward to is going to work so I can come home and be alone and depressed again? I... I'm ready for it. I've been there. I'm *prepared* for the darkness. And that really kind of makes me scared and proud at the same time?
It reminds me of "The Good Old Days" that were some of the worst times of my life that I miss dearly. Isn't that weird?
My head gets all fuzzy when trying to remember specifics, but I think it was around... 1998? Sounds about right. I had a crappy little one-bedroom apartment in Renton that I shared with nobody but my loneliness and my inability to get over THAT ONE GIRL... the same girl that all guys have trouble getting over because she was, aside from other monumental "Firsts", the first girl to dump me. But that had been THREE YEARS ago. I just wasn't very good at "Letting Go".
Other than work and the occasional pitty-visit from
dotgirl and her husband, I spent all my time ALONE. I spent every paycheck on comic books, pornography and a Satellite TV Set-up... the most important part being The Satellite TV Set-up. It was The Golden Age of Nick-At-Nite with re-runs of Three's Company, Happy Days, Laverne & Shirley, Beverly Hillbillies and... The Brady Bunch.I was SO in to classic TV, I "skipped" Christmas one year and stayed home watching the Andy Griffith Merry-thon instead of spending any time with anyone real.
I can remember the weird self-hatred depression binge eating I'd do night after night... I was so FREE to do whatever I wanted and ends up that all I wanted to do was watch old TV shows and eat Hot Pockets! And thanks to all the depression/self-loathing going on, I kept convincing myself that this was what the rest of my life was going to be like. THIS was the best it was ever going to get. This was...
I can still feel it. It's burning, right down *there*, someplace behind my soul. That voice keeps talking to me, only now it says that without Crystal... without Molly... my life would go right back to that same dark, lonely place. And sitting here, in the dark, alone, eating "Comfort Food" I'm reminded of how EASY it would be to slip back in to those old habits.
Thing is, though... it's really *comfortable* here in the dark, surrounded by all the stuff I know. So I guess what's really bothering me is that I wouldn't be too shaken if it all just went away? Trying to put my finger on it here.
If I were to wake up tomorrow morning to find that it was all just some wonderfully cruel and ironic dream? If all I had to look forward to is going to work so I can come home and be alone and depressed again? I... I'm ready for it. I've been there. I'm *prepared* for the darkness. And that really kind of makes me scared and proud at the same time?
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