Why I Hate The Easter Bunny

I drove by a house today that had a giant inflatable Easter Bunny on their lawn, surrounded by giant plastic pastel-colored eggs. I felt sad for them, and said out loud (to all the nobody that was in the car with me) "Oh Easter Bunny, you're trying *too hard*... you're never going to be Santa Claus! Give it up already!"

The more I thought about it, the more I got kind of defensive/angry about it. Maybe it's because I love Christmas and, more specifically, Santa Claus SO MUCH that I... I just got kind of offended.

I mean LOOK AT IT! Here's SANTA CLAUS, busting his hump year after year MAKING toys, DELIVERING toys, running a covert manufacturing empire in one of the harshest environments on Earth, all because of the unspoken agreement between Santa and the Children Of The World - "Be good and I'll bring you some presents". There's always the implied threat that if you're bad you'll get nothing but lumps of coal in your stocking, sure, but c'mon... we all know Santa's gonna bring you some goodies as long as you at least *tried*. You want to be a better person in order to make Santa proud of you, because that's the deal.

But The Easter Bunny? He's like a recently divorced manic-depressiv Dad on Crack who is willing to do ANYTHING to win you over. "HEY KIDS YOU LIKE SANTA? WELL I'M LIKE SANTA ONLY WITH CANDY! YOU LIKE CANDY? HERE HAVE A $&%-TON OF CANDY IN AN EFFIN' BASKET! SANTA HIDES SOME STUFF IN YOUR STOCKINGS WELL GUESS WHAT? I SCATTERED EGGS ALL OVER YOUR EFFIN' LAWN BETTER GO GET THEM MUTHA-&$#*ERS BEFORE THEY ROT YOU'RE WELCOME!!!"

This of course doesn't even address the fact that The Easter Bunny has been getting more and more elaborate over the years, leaving toys and the likes along with the candy. "YOU DIDN'T LOVE ME ENOUGH LAST YEAR AFTER I GAVE YOU THAT CHOCOLATE STATUE OF MYSELF, SO THIS YEAR I GOT YOU A BIKE! LOVE MEEEEEEE!!!"

Just STOP, Easter Bunny. You're embarrassing yourself.