First World Git-Mo

I think we can all agree that torture is a terrible (but occasionally effective) way of getting information out of terrorists, right? So I would like to suggest that we switch our tactics from Waterboarding and eye-gouging to the ALL TOO REAL HORRORS of our First-World problems! Hey there, Mister I-Hate-America! You think being chained in an uncomfortable position for days is unbearable? Try some of THESE!

(btw, these are all things I have directly or indirectly heard referred to as being "torture". This, I believe, is what makes this post SATIRE rather than insensitive jerk-speak)

• Stand in a long line at Starbucks with a smartphone that's at less than 10% battery!
  
• A computer with advertised internet speeds of 12mbps but in reality it's more like anywhere between 8mbps and 10 mbps!
  
• A TV where all the GOOD shows and movies are on channels that are not covered by your cable package!
  
• Make them binge-watch 4 seasons of a really good show, then tell them they have to wait till the new Fall season to start so they can get ONE NEW EPISODE PER WEEK!
  
• Give them a menu with far too many delicious food options on it!
  
• Take them to see a movie they only *kind of* want to see while a movie they REALLY want to see is showing at the same theater!
  
• Raise the price of their favorite fast-food item by 10 cents!
  
• Make them watch television WITH COMMERCIALS!
  
• Move them in to an apartment next to a smoker that has a dog!
  
• Serve them a sandwich with too much mustard or other similar condiment!
  
• Tell them you'll call them "around noon", never call them!