The Big Burger
Jul. 19th, 2002 10:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
captain_slinkyEver eaten at Mr. Bill’s restaurant in either Lynnwood or Everett? It's a nifty 50's-themed diner with HUGE menues and great Chicken-Fried Steak. They have an item on their menu that is a $30 burger... but if you can eat it in under one-half hour, you get it for free. Each burger contains 6 POUNDS of MEAT (before cooking, unknown how much they weigh afterwards) covered in American cheese, a heavy whole-wheat bun the size of 2 Big New Yorker pizzas from Pizza-hut, two tomatoes worth of sliced tomatoes, 4 cups of shredded lettuce, a cup of sliced dill pickles, and a cup of Thousand Island dressing. Oh, and full pound of French fries on the side that have to be consumed as well.
Local radio station 100.7 (The Buzz) put on a contest last night at the Everett Mall Mr. Bill’s Restaurant, known as "The Glutton Bowl". Many gluttonous events where scheduled (such as speed-nachos, mini-burger races, mustard chugging, and many bottles of tabbascco consumed), but the main event was involving The Big Burger... with fabulous cash prizes! If any of the 6 contestants could finish The Big Burger and the fries within the allotted one-half hour, they would win $500. If NO ONE could finish The Big Burger, then the remains of each contestant’s meal would be weighed, and then the $500 would be divided between the top 3 contestants who had eaten the most; $300, $125, and $75 (respectively). Oh, and the other contestants would get CD’s, Mr. Bill’s Gift Certificates, and tickets to the Tom Leykis "Bite This, Seattle" Listener party (click for more info). For those who do not know, the Tom Leykis "Bite This, Seattle" party is held during the annual "Bite Of Seattle" Food Festival, and is mainly a good way for people to get drunk and watch used women (you know the ones... they were hot when they were 18-22, but now they're 40 and desperate for attention) get drunk and nekid.
Once I heard about this contest, I knew I had to try and enter. I've been practicing my entire life for a chance like this! So Crystal and I drove to the Everett mall and waited there for *7 hours* just to make sure we were the first ones there and guaranteed to get in to the Big Burger competition. I won't bore you with the intircacies of how we did it (as this post is all ready WAY too long), but eventually I was chosen to be one of the 12 finalists, and then the crowd would decided (by volume of applause) who got to compete in the "Big Burger" contest, and who had to go to the lesser competitions.
When I got up on the impromtu stage, I used my vast knowledge of WWF Wrestling Superstar Grandstanding to guarantee my position in the top 6... Hulk Hogan, The Rock, and just a touch of "Hacksaw" Jim Dugan, combined with a few well-placed Austin-Powers "Fat Bastard" quotes from BJ Shae (the Dj in charge of the competition) made the audience fall in love with me. I was in! So the final six ended up being (I don't remember names, just what i thought of them and what the audience called them):
Local radio station 100.7 (The Buzz) put on a contest last night at the Everett Mall Mr. Bill’s Restaurant, known as "The Glutton Bowl". Many gluttonous events where scheduled (such as speed-nachos, mini-burger races, mustard chugging, and many bottles of tabbascco consumed), but the main event was involving The Big Burger... with fabulous cash prizes! If any of the 6 contestants could finish The Big Burger and the fries within the allotted one-half hour, they would win $500. If NO ONE could finish The Big Burger, then the remains of each contestant’s meal would be weighed, and then the $500 would be divided between the top 3 contestants who had eaten the most; $300, $125, and $75 (respectively). Oh, and the other contestants would get CD’s, Mr. Bill’s Gift Certificates, and tickets to the Tom Leykis "Bite This, Seattle" Listener party (click for more info). For those who do not know, the Tom Leykis "Bite This, Seattle" party is held during the annual "Bite Of Seattle" Food Festival, and is mainly a good way for people to get drunk and watch used women (you know the ones... they were hot when they were 18-22, but now they're 40 and desperate for attention) get drunk and nekid.
Once I heard about this contest, I knew I had to try and enter. I've been practicing my entire life for a chance like this! So Crystal and I drove to the Everett mall and waited there for *7 hours* just to make sure we were the first ones there and guaranteed to get in to the Big Burger competition. I won't bore you with the intircacies of how we did it (as this post is all ready WAY too long), but eventually I was chosen to be one of the 12 finalists, and then the crowd would decided (by volume of applause) who got to compete in the "Big Burger" contest, and who had to go to the lesser competitions.
When I got up on the impromtu stage, I used my vast knowledge of WWF Wrestling Superstar Grandstanding to guarantee my position in the top 6... Hulk Hogan, The Rock, and just a touch of "Hacksaw" Jim Dugan, combined with a few well-placed Austin-Powers "Fat Bastard" quotes from BJ Shae (the Dj in charge of the competition) made the audience fall in love with me. I was in! So the final six ended up being (I don't remember names, just what i thought of them and what the audience called them):
The Hippie Kid
Number 3
The little chick with the nice rack
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Ever eaten at Mr. Bill’s restaurant in either Lynnwood or Everett? It's a nifty 50's-themed diner with HUGE menues and great Chicken-Fried Steak. They have an item on their menu that is a $30 burger... but if you can eat it in under one-half hour, you get it for free. Each burger contains 6 POUNDS of MEAT (before cooking, unknown how much they weigh afterwards) covered in American cheese, a heavy whole-wheat bun the size of 2 Big New Yorker pizzas from Pizza-hut, two tomatoes worth of sliced tomatoes, 4 cups of shredded lettuce, a cup of sliced dill pickles, and a cup of Thousand Island dressing. Oh, and full pound of French fries on the side that have to be consumed as well.
Local radio station 100.7 (The Buzz) put on a contest last night at the Everett Mall Mr. Bill’s Restaurant, known as "The Glutton Bowl". Many gluttonous events where scheduled (such as speed-nachos, mini-burger races, mustard chugging, and many bottles of tabbascco consumed), but the main event was involving The Big Burger... with fabulous cash prizes! If any of the 6 contestants could finish The Big Burger and the fries within the allotted one-half hour, they would win $500. If NO ONE could finish The Big Burger, then the remains of each contestant’s meal would be weighed, and then the $500 would be divided between the top 3 contestants who had eaten the most; $300, $125, and $75 (respectively). Oh, and the other contestants would get CD’s, Mr. Bill’s Gift Certificates, and tickets to the <a href="http://www.blowmeuptom.com">Tom Leykis "Bite This, Seattle" Listener party (click for more info)</a>. For those who do not know, the Tom Leykis "Bite This, Seattle" party is held during the annual "Bite Of Seattle" Food Festival, and is mainly a good way for people to get drunk and watch used women (you know the ones... they were hot when they were 18-22, but now they're 40 and desperate for attention) get drunk and nekid.
Once I heard about this contest, I knew I had to try and enter. I've been practicing my entire life for a chance like this! So Crystal and I drove to the Everett mall and waited there for *7 hours* just to make sure we were the first ones there and guaranteed to get in to the Big Burger competition. I won't bore you with the intircacies of how we did it (as this post is all ready WAY too long), but eventually I was chosen to be one of the 12 finalists, and then the crowd would decided (by volume of applause) who got to compete in the "Big Burger" contest, and who had to go to the lesser competitions.
When I got up on the impromtu stage, I used my vast knowledge of WWF Wrestling Superstar Grandstanding to guarantee my position in the top 6... Hulk Hogan, The Rock, and just a touch of "Hacksaw" Jim Dugan, combined with a few well-placed Austin-Powers "Fat Bastard" quotes from BJ Shae (the Dj in charge of the competition) made the audience fall in love with me. I was in! So the final six ended up being (I don't remember names, just what i thought of them and what the audience called them):<p>
<blockquote>The Hippie Kid<br>Number 3<br>The little chick with the nice rack<br><the little guy<br><b>ME!!!</b><br>...And JOE-EL</blockquote>
The Hippie Kid had me worried... tie-die, long hair, looked like he was fresh from a Phish concert and ready to get some munchies! Number 3 (as the crowd called him) didn't worry me at all... he was a regular looking guy. The little chick with the nice rack stood about 4-foot tall, waist about as big around as my wrist... I had no worries. The little guy was *just* a bit smaller than the little chick with the nice rack, and I figured that if all else failed, I could just eat him. And then there was Joe-El.
Ah, Joe-El... where to start? According to his friends, Every morning at the mine you could see him arrive. He stood six foot six and weighted two forty five. Kinda broad at the shoulder and narrow at the hip, and everybody knew that he didn't give no lip to Joe-El (Joe-Eeeeeeeeh-El! Big Joe-El). Looks wise, think of if James Dean and Robert DeNiro... then cast a Giant Growth on him! Dressed in traditional trucker/logger garb of HUGe blue jeans, leather belt with BIG belt buckle, and a red/black flannel shirt. He had me shaking in my boots, till I saw him chain smoking, drinking no less than 4 bears, and eating half a HUGE plate of nachos just before the competition (like, MINUTES before the competition!) I was not worried.
The competition took place in two rounds; each round had 3 contestants. First round was The Hippie Kid, <b>ME</b>, and Number 3. One of the guys who works for the radio station ("Top Shelf", as he calls himself on the BJ Shae Show) kept on getting my attention to give me smiles, knowing winks, thumbs-up, and "You Da Man" shout-outs. He was QUITE drunk. Anyway, the contest began. 30 minutes... GO! Amazingly enough, thanks to the sage advice of Chris, I was able to stay low-carb by concentrating on the meat and cheese, tossing the bun and condiments aside. I ate maybe 6 French friesduring the whole thing, just to help push it all down. Hippie Kid just kept on saying "What am I doing? i can't do this... I CAN'T do THIS!!!" Number 3 paced me bite for bite right up to the last 10 minutes, then he started slowing down. I ended up eating every bit of meat and cheese, which made me the big winner for round one! For winning that round, I got Tom Leykis Tickets (which I gave to our waitress as a tip) and a CD (The Osbournes Television Soundtrack... quite amusing).
I went off to die, and they started round 2; Little Guy, Little Chick, and Big Bad Joe-El. I finally recovered enough in the last 5 minutes of their competition to go and watch... and I was SHOCKED! There was Big Bad Joe-El, scooping up all sorts of thousand island dressing, lettuce, and tomatoes (he hates pickles). Chain smoking, eating fries, drinking water... I can't tell if he was more machine or Animal! I think I peed my pants!
Joe-El didn't finish the burger, but he did walk away with first prize of $300. And in second place, there was a tie... <b>ME</b> and The Little Guy! I couldn't believe it! I threatened to eat him if I could just have the second and third place prizes, but Bj Shae wasn't going for that. He said that, as a tie-breaker, he had something special planned.
Roquefort Blue-Cheese Dressing.
Whoever drank the most of it before throwing up would win. I saw the little guy shaking his head, so I said "Hey, I'm up for it! Lot's go! Bring it!" Little Guy backed out.
So in the end, I walked away with $110 (spent $15 on dinner and a tip, since Crystal was starved from thinking she would get in to the competition as well but didn't), and a Cd that i had been wanting to get anyway. All in all, a great way to end the week on an up-beat, considering that I just lost my job!
Local radio station 100.7 (The Buzz) put on a contest last night at the Everett Mall Mr. Bill’s Restaurant, known as "The Glutton Bowl". Many gluttonous events where scheduled (such as speed-nachos, mini-burger races, mustard chugging, and many bottles of tabbascco consumed), but the main event was involving The Big Burger... with fabulous cash prizes! If any of the 6 contestants could finish The Big Burger and the fries within the allotted one-half hour, they would win $500. If NO ONE could finish The Big Burger, then the remains of each contestant’s meal would be weighed, and then the $500 would be divided between the top 3 contestants who had eaten the most; $300, $125, and $75 (respectively). Oh, and the other contestants would get CD’s, Mr. Bill’s Gift Certificates, and tickets to the <a href="http://www.blowmeuptom.com">Tom Leykis "Bite This, Seattle" Listener party (click for more info)</a>. For those who do not know, the Tom Leykis "Bite This, Seattle" party is held during the annual "Bite Of Seattle" Food Festival, and is mainly a good way for people to get drunk and watch used women (you know the ones... they were hot when they were 18-22, but now they're 40 and desperate for attention) get drunk and nekid.
Once I heard about this contest, I knew I had to try and enter. I've been practicing my entire life for a chance like this! So Crystal and I drove to the Everett mall and waited there for *7 hours* just to make sure we were the first ones there and guaranteed to get in to the Big Burger competition. I won't bore you with the intircacies of how we did it (as this post is all ready WAY too long), but eventually I was chosen to be one of the 12 finalists, and then the crowd would decided (by volume of applause) who got to compete in the "Big Burger" contest, and who had to go to the lesser competitions.
When I got up on the impromtu stage, I used my vast knowledge of WWF Wrestling Superstar Grandstanding to guarantee my position in the top 6... Hulk Hogan, The Rock, and just a touch of "Hacksaw" Jim Dugan, combined with a few well-placed Austin-Powers "Fat Bastard" quotes from BJ Shae (the Dj in charge of the competition) made the audience fall in love with me. I was in! So the final six ended up being (I don't remember names, just what i thought of them and what the audience called them):<p>
<blockquote>The Hippie Kid<br>Number 3<br>The little chick with the nice rack<br><the little guy<br><b>ME!!!</b><br>...And JOE-EL</blockquote>
The Hippie Kid had me worried... tie-die, long hair, looked like he was fresh from a Phish concert and ready to get some munchies! Number 3 (as the crowd called him) didn't worry me at all... he was a regular looking guy. The little chick with the nice rack stood about 4-foot tall, waist about as big around as my wrist... I had no worries. The little guy was *just* a bit smaller than the little chick with the nice rack, and I figured that if all else failed, I could just eat him. And then there was Joe-El.
Ah, Joe-El... where to start? According to his friends, Every morning at the mine you could see him arrive. He stood six foot six and weighted two forty five. Kinda broad at the shoulder and narrow at the hip, and everybody knew that he didn't give no lip to Joe-El (Joe-Eeeeeeeeh-El! Big Joe-El). Looks wise, think of if James Dean and Robert DeNiro... then cast a Giant Growth on him! Dressed in traditional trucker/logger garb of HUGe blue jeans, leather belt with BIG belt buckle, and a red/black flannel shirt. He had me shaking in my boots, till I saw him chain smoking, drinking no less than 4 bears, and eating half a HUGE plate of nachos just before the competition (like, MINUTES before the competition!) I was not worried.
The competition took place in two rounds; each round had 3 contestants. First round was The Hippie Kid, <b>ME</b>, and Number 3. One of the guys who works for the radio station ("Top Shelf", as he calls himself on the BJ Shae Show) kept on getting my attention to give me smiles, knowing winks, thumbs-up, and "You Da Man" shout-outs. He was QUITE drunk. Anyway, the contest began. 30 minutes... GO! Amazingly enough, thanks to the sage advice of Chris, I was able to stay low-carb by concentrating on the meat and cheese, tossing the bun and condiments aside. I ate maybe 6 French friesduring the whole thing, just to help push it all down. Hippie Kid just kept on saying "What am I doing? i can't do this... I CAN'T do THIS!!!" Number 3 paced me bite for bite right up to the last 10 minutes, then he started slowing down. I ended up eating every bit of meat and cheese, which made me the big winner for round one! For winning that round, I got Tom Leykis Tickets (which I gave to our waitress as a tip) and a CD (The Osbournes Television Soundtrack... quite amusing).
I went off to die, and they started round 2; Little Guy, Little Chick, and Big Bad Joe-El. I finally recovered enough in the last 5 minutes of their competition to go and watch... and I was SHOCKED! There was Big Bad Joe-El, scooping up all sorts of thousand island dressing, lettuce, and tomatoes (he hates pickles). Chain smoking, eating fries, drinking water... I can't tell if he was more machine or Animal! I think I peed my pants!
Joe-El didn't finish the burger, but he did walk away with first prize of $300. And in second place, there was a tie... <b>ME</b> and The Little Guy! I couldn't believe it! I threatened to eat him if I could just have the second and third place prizes, but Bj Shae wasn't going for that. He said that, as a tie-breaker, he had something special planned.
Roquefort Blue-Cheese Dressing.
Whoever drank the most of it before throwing up would win. I saw the little guy shaking his head, so I said "Hey, I'm up for it! Lot's go! Bring it!" Little Guy backed out.
So in the end, I walked away with $110 (spent $15 on dinner and a tip, since Crystal was starved from thinking she would get in to the competition as well but didn't), and a Cd that i had been wanting to get anyway. All in all, a great way to end the week on an up-beat, considering that I just lost my job!
