082 - I check my privilege for selfish reasons

[captain_slinky]

I do not like the harsh tone that almost always accompanies the phrase "Check Your Privilege", but I do appreciate the reflective intent behind it in general, "You have no idea what that person is going through because you are not that person and you have no right nor obligation to judge/shame/encourage/discourage them, just accept/acknowledge/support it and move on". At least that's what I get out of it.

EXAMPLE: When a person says "I'm a Pan-Sexual Furkind Fox-Self who identifies as Female", you DO NOT have to reply with "Ew Gross", or "You're crazy!" or even "I know what you mean I have a cousin who dresses up like a lady on the weekends". At most, give it a "Cool, duly noted. I promise to try my hardest to keep it all straight in my head, as from the outside you look like a standard model 'Dude', may I call you 'Dude'?".

And I hope some day that the intent of the message will come full-circle back to me in regards to alcohol, though so far it has not.

I have a deep, DEEP phobia regarding alcohol. Well, ALL controlled substances really, but I seem to be much better with pot smokers than I ever could even DREAM of being with a drinker. It's called Methyphobia, it's very real, and it rules my life every single day. It makes me lie to people I know and love in order to avoid being around alcohol. It makes me sick to my stomach EVERY DAY, because... well, see how long you can make it in a day without hearing somebody talk about how they need a drink, can hardly wait to go get drunk this weekend or brag about the stupid thing they did while they were drunk. "Hey, we should go out for a drink" is the way that The World seems to connect with each other, and I hate it. Just typing about this stuff has me shaking in terror, and I hate that :(

So back on point; as soon as somebody hears that I'm Methyphobic, they do one or more of these things:

• Try to talk me out of being afraid because that's just silly why would you be afraid of alcohol
• Tell me how weird that is and explain how I can't possibly be serious
• Explain to me that they see how I could be afraid of *bad drunks*, but THEY are okay because THEY know when they've had too much to drink
• Push the boundaries, asking if they can have like just one or two drinks around me
• Tell me that they need to take my wife out drinking because she probably NEEDS to get drunk since I won't "let her"
• Attempt to cure me by poking holes in my statement - "You eat at Denny's and they have a bar there! You like that one movie where those guys get drunk! You CAN'T be afraid if you do those things!"
• Become defensive, as if my refusal to drink or like drunk people is somehow an attack on them personally
• Present me with scenarios where I would HAVE to be okay with drinking in order to somehow disprove my phobia

In the end, it's just much easier to say "Gee you're right I guess I never thought of it that way", let them get drunk around me, and spend most of my time in the bathroom holding back my screams and tears while trying to build up my courage and rejoin the group.

I've gotten better at letting people know about this ahead of time rather than just making up lies about why I can't attend their party. Instead of saying "Oh sure I'd love to come" and then cancelling at the last minute because I've worked myself in to an anxious flu over the potential of being around a person who is drinking, I now say "I'd really rather not, I'm extremely uncomfortable around drinking and I don't want to be the Wet Blanket who made your Birthday a Dry Event".

Oh yeah, that's the other side of it - guilt. When somebody finally convinces me to come to their party and assures me that there won't be any drinking, I get double-paranoia that everyone there is having a terrible time because of *me* not letting them drink. Every one of them is whispering about me, blaming me, planning on leaving early so they can go get a drink somewhere... I ruined the party. I'm like the person who said they wouldn't come to the party unless all the snacks and the cake were Gluten-Free!

SO I just avoid parties and gatherings, and instead try to host as many "Game Nights" at our place as I can muster so that I'm the one in control. Pot is fine as long as you smoke it outside in the back corner of our yard so I don't have to smell it or catch any potential second-hand "Buzz", but please no booze.

Anyways, the REASON for this post is because this year is the first time that the Emerald City Comic Con is going to have a BEER GARDEN, and it's making me *nervous*. When I expressed my nervousness and explained my condition to an ECCC Fan Group on Facebook - a group that has thus far been all about protecting people's rights to feel safe at the convention regardless of race, gender, sexual identifier, body-type, handicap, social awkwardness, shyness, etc - they unanimously dismissed my concerns as being silly and obviously "Trolling" the group for a reaction.

It made me very sad, and I wish some of them had checked their privilege before shaming me for something I can't control :(

Comments

[snarky-imp.livejournal.com]

I knew you didn't like drinking but I didn't realize it was quite so severe. That sucks. :/

It's weird that people would continue on past the "wait, that's a thing?" reaction and be so rude about it when you'd think that it would be easy enough to just kind of add it to the whole "don't drink or talk about drinking around a newly sober person" kind of thing. Which I realize is a terrible simplification but still.

For what it's worth, based on your awesomeness, I'd imagine that unless it's an event designed for drinking, people would be like "huh. One glass of __ or hanging out with Captain Awesome? Duh, I'll take Awesome!"

[aurora77]

I'll take Awesome, too!

When I drink something, it's because I like the taste. I'll just have something else tasty if it means I can have Captain Awesome!

[aurora77]

ECCC is usually so much better. This is even more disappointing because of that.

I know they don't understand it and can't understand it fully, but even a, "Hey, I'm sorry this bothers you. Let's talk about it." could go a long way toward creating good will.

[con-grazia.livejournal.com]

That sucks, and I'm sorry. I don't know why, when someone states they feel very firmly about something, people feel the need to try and "change them" anyway.

No words of wisdom here, just empathy for this upcoming situation.

[teh-dirty-robot.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing. I now understand the context a lot better for a few comments you made on my LJ back in the day.

I hope that you're still able to enjoy ECCC. If they do actually go through with the beer garden, they are at least generally corralled away from the general group so as to make sure there's no underage drinking going on, so it should be avoidable.

[captain-slinky.livejournal.com]

This is not a personal dig against *you*, but against the "Well At Least" argument I keep hearing. I appreciate your concern and appreciate it :)

BUT!

If I were afraid of Clowns (and really who isn't?), and you comforted me by saying "Well at least all MY clowns stay in the basement", that would not really be very comforting at all... matter of fact, it's TERRIFYING! WHY DO YOU HAVE A BASEMENT FULL OF CLOWNS AND WHY AM I AT YOUR HOUSE THAT HAS A CLOWN BASEMENT?!?!?!?

Drunks and alcohol terrify me. Telling me that your going to have a designated boozing station dedicated to creating drunk people does NOT make me feel better :(

[teh-dirty-robot.livejournal.com]

I agree, it's not much of a comfort. I didn't intend it to come across as minimizing your discomfort, just that you probably won't have to interact with people in/around that area if you don't want to. I would just hate for this to keep you from doing something that you clearly love.

[captain-slinky.livejournal.com]

Thank you :) Unfortunately, they decided that the best place for the Beer Garden is right in the lobby of the convention center - you can't get in to or out of the convention without going right past it :(

Lucky for everyone else, it seems I am the only person in the world who has a problem with this :)

[lynna12000.livejournal.com]

Expressing concern is NOT trolling. I think having a beer garden in an area where there are going to be young children, let alone teenagers, is an incident waiting to happen.

[captain-slinky.livejournal.com]

Well to be fair, I understand how they could see it as Trolling - it's pretty weird and non-specific concern that sounds like somebody trying to Straight White Male Privilege mock the "concerns" of others though an absurd comparison... I get it. "Stupid liberals make us peace-bond our toy weapons because they're afraid of guns, well you know what? I'm afraid of WATER, i want ALL THE WATER FOUNTAINS removed from the convention to make ME feel better! What about ME and MY feelings, huh?"

But thank you :)