211 - Epic Poop Story
Dec. 6th, 2015 08:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
captain_slinkyFor those who do not enjoy my more fecal posts, please skip this. It involes The Rainforest Cafe in Down Town Disney...
So there I was, experiencing "Hiroshima Blast Ghost" diarrhea in the upstairs restroom of the Down Town Disney Rainforest Cafe - pooping like an over full water balloon full of creamed corn that has suddenly come untied - when I come to a sweaty pause in the festivities and realize that there's NO TOILET PAPER. this has been a very "eventful" rectal situation that has made it somewhat impossible for me to pull my pants up without a good wipedown, and it is painfully clear that I will have to "Commando" my way in to the handicapped stall for TP before I can even flush. As I wait for the restroom to clear, I have plenty of time to weigh my options - go around through the door, or go under the stall wall? Sacrifice my underwear for the sake of dignity and pants? Are those little tissue toilet seat rings absorbant enough to get the job done?
The bathroom clears. I HAVE TO ACT *NOW*!
And so I scurry as fast as I can from stall to stall looking for toilet paper with my pants clutched at my knees. I grab as much as I can in unravelled paper (about a roll worth) and scrabble back to my original stall with it because in the heat of the moment that's what made sense at the time instead of just taking care of things there in the privacy of the handicapped stall. Heat of battle and all, right?
So I get back to my stall and close it just as the restroom starts filling again. A guy takes the handicapped stall, the urinals all get taken, and there's a father with two kids waiting for a stall while I use an entire roll of loose toilet paper to wipe my entire buttacular area thoroughly before looking down upon the murder scene I have created and flushing it down.
Only it don't flush down.
I watch the tide rise and I hear the kids outside whining "Daaaaaady I need to go PEE PEE!" and the dad saying "well now we just have to wait our turn" in that passive-agressive way we dads can do to tell the people in the stalls that, hey, buddy, get out my kid has to PEE!
Now I feel that I need to show/tell you how I was dressed. I was wearing this hat:
It is the tiniest little Goofy hat, which is suspended above my head via a spring attached to a headband pair of dangly Goofy ears. I was wearing my favorite Elf Costume shirt with this, bright green with gold and candycane accents. And below that, a pair of knee-length jeans.
And so THAT was the last thing the kid saw bounding out the door and giving him a place to pee. As I made my escape from the restroom, I heard the child exclaim "Daddy, it STINKS!"
No time to look back or apologize. I grabbed Crystal and Molly, said "We gotta go, no time to explain, we gotta go NOW" and away we flew.
After hearing my tale, Crystal pointed out to me that this probably lead to a very interesting conversation back at the restaurant. "Okay, so *who* broke the toilet?"
"I told you! GREAT BIG ELF...*teeeeeeeenytiny hat*..."
So there I was, experiencing "Hiroshima Blast Ghost" diarrhea in the upstairs restroom of the Down Town Disney Rainforest Cafe - pooping like an over full water balloon full of creamed corn that has suddenly come untied - when I come to a sweaty pause in the festivities and realize that there's NO TOILET PAPER. this has been a very "eventful" rectal situation that has made it somewhat impossible for me to pull my pants up without a good wipedown, and it is painfully clear that I will have to "Commando" my way in to the handicapped stall for TP before I can even flush. As I wait for the restroom to clear, I have plenty of time to weigh my options - go around through the door, or go under the stall wall? Sacrifice my underwear for the sake of dignity and pants? Are those little tissue toilet seat rings absorbant enough to get the job done?
The bathroom clears. I HAVE TO ACT *NOW*!
And so I scurry as fast as I can from stall to stall looking for toilet paper with my pants clutched at my knees. I grab as much as I can in unravelled paper (about a roll worth) and scrabble back to my original stall with it because in the heat of the moment that's what made sense at the time instead of just taking care of things there in the privacy of the handicapped stall. Heat of battle and all, right?
So I get back to my stall and close it just as the restroom starts filling again. A guy takes the handicapped stall, the urinals all get taken, and there's a father with two kids waiting for a stall while I use an entire roll of loose toilet paper to wipe my entire buttacular area thoroughly before looking down upon the murder scene I have created and flushing it down.
Only it don't flush down.
I watch the tide rise and I hear the kids outside whining "Daaaaaady I need to go PEE PEE!" and the dad saying "well now we just have to wait our turn" in that passive-agressive way we dads can do to tell the people in the stalls that, hey, buddy, get out my kid has to PEE!
Now I feel that I need to show/tell you how I was dressed. I was wearing this hat:
It is the tiniest little Goofy hat, which is suspended above my head via a spring attached to a headband pair of dangly Goofy ears. I was wearing my favorite Elf Costume shirt with this, bright green with gold and candycane accents. And below that, a pair of knee-length jeans.
And so THAT was the last thing the kid saw bounding out the door and giving him a place to pee. As I made my escape from the restroom, I heard the child exclaim "Daddy, it STINKS!"
No time to look back or apologize. I grabbed Crystal and Molly, said "We gotta go, no time to explain, we gotta go NOW" and away we flew.
After hearing my tale, Crystal pointed out to me that this probably lead to a very interesting conversation back at the restaurant. "Okay, so *who* broke the toilet?"
"I told you! GREAT BIG ELF...*teeeeeeeenytiny hat*..."
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2015-12-07 09:28 pm (UTC)Maybe use the ladies' next time: One advantage to being a member of the vaginally endowed is that the person in the stall next to you is socially obligated to not only ask if you need some when you say there isn't any, but pass you a healthy wad of TP under the stall wall.