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A Last Will & Testament of sorts
Mar. 7th, 2008 08:44 amAt first I thought it was just silly paranoia, but now I know for a FACT that my own beloved daughter, Molly, is trying to kill me.
It started out innocently enough, with late nights and early mornings. Breakfast strewn from one corner of the apartment to the other. Manipulating me in to feeding her foods that would result in a call to the EPA for proper disposal. But yesterday and today she has stepped up her efforts to what can only be called "Phase II".
Yesterday she insisted that I not be more than an arms length away from her at all times. My punishment for leaving The Security Perimeter was screaming and/or Suicide Attempts. She recently learned that she can stand up and balance on the back of just about any piece of furniture we have - for a few seconds. We have had MANY face-plants in to the carpet over the past 48 hours, and it's VERY difficult to explain Facial Rug Burn to social acquaintances.
The Security Perimeter made cleaning The Apartment a challenge, to say the least. However, by scooching around the floor on my butt one foot at a time I was able to *appear* as though I were playing when i was actually attempting to pick up toys. I managed to clean the entire living room this way.
FOUR TIMES.
See, she caught on to me about half-way through The First cleaning and invented a delightful new game called "Let's destroy everything Daddy has just accomplished as soon as he's out of reach". And let me tell you, she's a PRO at it! She cna take a bucket full of Mr. Potato Head Parts and spin it *just so*, causing the pieces to fly in interesting and dynamic new ways in to the far corners of The Apartment. She managed to fling them in to THE BATHROOM! DOWN THE HALL! THROUGH A CLOSED DOOR! Amazing child, my Molly.
But this morning... THIS is when she actually tried to kill me. I was in The Bedroom folding clothes and letting her play around on the floor (she LOVES to just roam around in there getting in to stuff) when I felt something brush against my legs. it was our cat, Huffy! He's not allowed in The Bedroom! I looked over and it seems that I had left the bedroom door open just a little bit. Oh well. I finished folding the laundry and then went to chase th cat out of the bedroom.
...And fell on my face.
Somehow, Molly had used Huffy as a distraction and TIED MY LEGS TOGETHER with a strand of BEADS. I quickly righted myself and sat up before she could pounce on me and gag me (which I'm sure was her plan all along). There she was, sitting on the floor and looking at me. She put on her best "Surprised" look and said "Uh-Oh... UH OH! OH NOES!"
...And then she came over and gave me a big kiss, asking me "Ayight?" (which is her cute little two-year-old "Are You All Right". Yes it was cute, but i can't help but think it was just a great big cover-up...
It started out innocently enough, with late nights and early mornings. Breakfast strewn from one corner of the apartment to the other. Manipulating me in to feeding her foods that would result in a call to the EPA for proper disposal. But yesterday and today she has stepped up her efforts to what can only be called "Phase II".
Yesterday she insisted that I not be more than an arms length away from her at all times. My punishment for leaving The Security Perimeter was screaming and/or Suicide Attempts. She recently learned that she can stand up and balance on the back of just about any piece of furniture we have - for a few seconds. We have had MANY face-plants in to the carpet over the past 48 hours, and it's VERY difficult to explain Facial Rug Burn to social acquaintances.
The Security Perimeter made cleaning The Apartment a challenge, to say the least. However, by scooching around the floor on my butt one foot at a time I was able to *appear* as though I were playing when i was actually attempting to pick up toys. I managed to clean the entire living room this way.
FOUR TIMES.
See, she caught on to me about half-way through The First cleaning and invented a delightful new game called "Let's destroy everything Daddy has just accomplished as soon as he's out of reach". And let me tell you, she's a PRO at it! She cna take a bucket full of Mr. Potato Head Parts and spin it *just so*, causing the pieces to fly in interesting and dynamic new ways in to the far corners of The Apartment. She managed to fling them in to THE BATHROOM! DOWN THE HALL! THROUGH A CLOSED DOOR! Amazing child, my Molly.
But this morning... THIS is when she actually tried to kill me. I was in The Bedroom folding clothes and letting her play around on the floor (she LOVES to just roam around in there getting in to stuff) when I felt something brush against my legs. it was our cat, Huffy! He's not allowed in The Bedroom! I looked over and it seems that I had left the bedroom door open just a little bit. Oh well. I finished folding the laundry and then went to chase th cat out of the bedroom.
...And fell on my face.
Somehow, Molly had used Huffy as a distraction and TIED MY LEGS TOGETHER with a strand of BEADS. I quickly righted myself and sat up before she could pounce on me and gag me (which I'm sure was her plan all along). There she was, sitting on the floor and looking at me. She put on her best "Surprised" look and said "Uh-Oh... UH OH! OH NOES!"
...And then she came over and gave me a big kiss, asking me "Ayight?" (which is her cute little two-year-old "Are You All Right". Yes it was cute, but i can't help but think it was just a great big cover-up...
