captain_slinky | SUGAR FREE* SLURPEE (*We Found Something Weirder)

I *thought* I was treating myself to a delicious, carbohydrate-and-calorie-free Slurpee today. After all, the sign on the Slurpee Machine SAYS "Sugar Free", and most sugar free liquids have zero carbs and zero calories. Zero anything else, too... look at a can of Diet Coke's nutritional information and you'll see a string of zeroes. But then I read on the Slurpee.com website that there's actually TWENT CALORIES and EIGHT CARBS in every 8 ounces of this stuff! Oh, and DIETARY FIBER! FIVE GRAMS OF THE STUFF!!! WTF???

So I read the ingredients, and found the source of calories and the carbs and the fiber - DEXTRIN.

WTF IS DEXTRIN???

Well step right up, friends, and let me tell you all about the Miracle Product of The Century! The Product Sensation that's all the rage with the European aristocracy as well as the mysterious Pharos of the exotic, far-off Middle East! The Ancients of The Orient have kept this miracle product a secret for thousands of years, passed down from generation to generation through nothing more than spoken word! And now, friends, YOU TOO can own this Modern Marvel! Ladies and gentlemen! I present to you! THE EIGHTH WONDER OF THE WORLD... DEXTRIN!

It's a thickening and binding agent in pharmaceuticals and paper coatings! It's a crispness enhancer for food processing, in food batters, coatings, and glazes! It's a textile finishing and coating agent to increase weight and stiffness of textile fabrics! It's added to fireworks and sparklers, allowing them to solidify as pellets or "stars"! It's a printing thickener for batik resist dyeing! it's used in the foundry industry as green strength additives in sand casting! IT'S THE LICKABLE STICKY STUFF YOU FIND ON THE BACK OF YOUR STAMPS AND ON ENVELOPES!!!