More On Buffets

[captain_slinky]

As a "Man Of Size", I am no stranger to The Buffet. Matter of fact, I like to think of myself as a bit of an expert! This is why I feel it's my duty to present to you... THE FIVE BASIC KINDS OF BUFFET RESTAURANTS

• THE ETHNIC BUFFET - Here in the greater Pacific North West, it's usually an Asian Buffet but you'll also see the occasional Thai Buffet, Indian Buffet, Mexican Buffet and... yeah, that's about it. They are full of bland versions of Ethnic delicacies made for folks with xenophobic stomachs that would rather not go to a restaurant where they have to blind-order off of a menu full of foreign words. They want to SEE the food, put a tiny bit on their plate and then say "Ooh that was good what was that?" They can then order that dish at an actual Ethnic restaurant and be repulsed by how it's actually supposed to taste. They always have at least ONE TABLE of "American Food" which is usually French Fries, Macaroni & Cheese, Mashed Potatoes, Corn and a frozen "Pizza".
  
  
• THE HOME-STYLE BUFFET - Usually part of a chain of buffets (such as "Old Country Buffet" and "Golden Coral"), three quarters of this buffet will be dedicated to Salad Bar and Dessert Bar. The remaining 1/4 will be dedicated to the Meat Station where they have a college kid carve up a slice of "Prime Rib" and/or Ham and/or Turkey and/or "Salmon", and their "Theme Night" table - these places LOVE Theme Nights! BBQ Rib Night, Oriental Cuisine Night, Italian Night, Breakfast-For-Dinner Night, Seafood Night... all these dishes are every bit as good as anything you can find in the freezer section of your local grocery store. If you received food like this at a regular restaurant, you'd send it back and demand a refund - but HERE where it's All You Can Eat? Great for when you're hungry and think you don't care about what you eat as long as you get to eat SOMETING, because this will remind you that oh, yeah, you DO have standards after all.
  
  
• THE REALLY GOOD BUFFET - Quite a bit more costly than your average buffet, like $25 to $30 more per person than the Home-Style Buffet, but completely worth it. Hand-rolled Sushi bar, steaks cooked to order, tableside dessert cart, attendants at every steam table ready to answer any questions... and the drinks cost extra. Closes within a year of opening, so don't get attached.
  
  
• THE FRIENDS FAVORITE BUFFET - You're in town and your friend has been RAVING about this new Buffet, and you try to explain how it has to be one of the existing sub-genres of Buffet, but they insist that THIS ONE is different - Authentic Ethnic cuisine and a hearty helping of standard American grub with a great Dessert bar and free drink refills and OH THE PRICE! SO REASONABLE! ANd so you'll go, and so you'll eat, and on the way out your friend will say "I swear, it used to be so much better... sorry..."
  
  
• THE PIZZA BUFFET - The only Buffet that is truly dependable regardless of where you go, because only Pizza Restaurants have a Pizza Buffet. You're not going to get a warmed-up frozen pizza like you'd find on the American Table, you're going to get REAL PIZZA - a very wide variety of real pizza to be exact, including pizzas you'd never try when it costs $18 for a large! At $7 for the Lunch Buffet, you'll always find something wonderful even if it's just good old fashioned Cheese Pizza!

Comments

[aurora77]

Brazilian steakhouses and their buffets are their own subclass of the Really Good Buffet class, only they usually stay in business longer in my experience. Mmm, I'm making myself hungry thinking about it.

[captain-slinky.livejournal.com]

I have never heard of a Brazillian Steakhouse Buffet, which automatically gives it a Hipster Exemption. Y'know.... "All Dubstep is terrible except for this obscure guy named DJ de Carabas, he only does shows at converted firehouses in the suburbs of Portland, you've probably never heard of him..."

As it stands, after Googling for nearly 4 minutes, a Brazilian Steakhouse Buffet is not an exemption; the one in Lower Queen Anne has closed and re-opened 4 times in the last 6 years under different names, each time garnering a new passel of "Gee it used to be so good I don't know what happened" reviews - And so I am confident in saying that any Brazillian Steak House Buffet will fit squarely in either the "Really Good" or "Friends Favorite" category :)

[aurora77]

The only ones I know of are still open, but two open for a few years does not a pattern make. They're pretty expensive, though. At a typical one, you have the buffet with salads, rice, potatoes, beans, and various Brazilian dishes. The best part is the waiters who bring around skewers of freshly grilled meat and carve off pieces for you. Lamb, pork, chicken, beef, sausages, and multiple preparation types of each. Good quality, too. I'm drooling now. Lunch is typically the best deal. Dinners often include seafood, too, but they're more expensive. I was actually turned on to these by a Brazilian coworker.

[captain-slinky.livejournal.com]

Okay, WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR??? I wake up, get my coffee, open my email and... BOOM! GROUPON FOR BRAZILIAN BUFFET?!?!?!

http://www.groupon.com/deals/novilhos-brazilian-steakhouse-1

There are no coincidences on The Internet, so talk! Was it Tommy Two-Times from Chicago? Did HE put you up to this? What's the set, up, I'm supposed to go in there expecting delicious grilled meats only to get two bullets in the back of the head, some Brazilian-style execution where they remove all my genital hairs? WELL I AIN'T FALLING FOR IT, LADY! You can tell Tommy Two-Times that he'll get his money when HELL FREEZES OVER!

/paranoia

But seriously, wow... that there's some Google analytics gone wild :) "Fat guy in Seattle just did a bunch of Googling for Brazilian Buffet, better notify the folks at Groupon"!

[aurora77]

Whoa. Internet is creepy, man.

That said, Novilhos is amazing. It's the one closest to me. That's a really good deal. I think I might be buying a Groupon.