038 - This isn't about you, it's about me

[captain_slinky]

For the second year running, my Annual Wellness Exam with my doctor has been interrupted and postponed by the doctor (and this is two different doctors in as many years, btw) being EXTREMELY CONCERNED about my severe depression - only THIS TIME, it's having a real and measurable effect on my health. I'm now taking medicine for High Blood Pressure.

My doctor wants me to see a counselor or a therapist as soon as possible, but I really have no idea what such a person would or could do for me that I haven't already thought of and dismissed, because it all comes down to *me* in the end.

Check my math here and see if I'm wrong. Pretty sure there isn't a magical thing that a counselor or therapist could say which would fix this for me.

I'm depressed because my "Fire" is gone. My creativity. My inner joy. That thing that used to keep me up at night thinking about the perfect board game, awesome story ideas, planning Disneyland vacations, organizing the next Awesome Game Night, plotting my next Lamp, getting excited for comic book conventions... it's all *GONE*.

Except for when I'm helping people.

I can't even bring myself to recount all the people I help because I'm afraid that they'll read this and think "Oh no I'm part of the problem", but you're not - you're part of the solution. If you're reading this and are thinking "I wonder if he means *me*, then yes - I mean YOU. I am using YOUR situation to make ME feel... something.

Usually, this all balances out rather nicely for me - I do a thing, I get some Fire, I make an awesome thing, the Depression goes away for a little while. The valleys of my Depression just make the peaks of my Delight look that much more majestic. Whenever I'm depressed, I just need to think "Man this low means that my next high is going to be AWESOME!" and everything is okay. I *love* this arrangement, and I really think that it's what makes me... *Me*. And people really seem to like ME :)

But all these things I do, they're stretching me thin lately. Everyone I help has recently needed a bit of "extra help", all at once. I'm spending about *half* of my waking hours on the road right now driving back-and-forth doing all this stuff for other people, to the point where my Fire won't even light any more. What's the point of setting a fire when you know you're not going to have the time to do anything with it before it burns out? Every time I get a spark, it immediately gets extinguished by a pile of other things I have to do before I can even begin to stoke that flame. "Ooh here's a fun idea! All I need to do first is... mow the lawn, move the lawn stuff around so I can mow around it, take something out for dinner, drive up to Mount Vernon, get back in time to pick up kids from their various schools, contact the Clubhouse management about Game Night, go get some onions, take that load of food to the Senior Center, pay attention to the show Molly is watching, fix the computer, fix the other computer... what was my cool idea again?"

So the simple solution is to make time for myself, but I have no idea where I would make such time. Each one of the commitments I have made serves a specific purpose in my life, and they are collectively the only things that bring me a spontaneous amount of joy. Giving up any of my commitments would leave others in pretty terrible predicaments that would make me feel terrible and riddled with guilt. Also, all those commitments that have recently ramped up, will also eventually ramp themselves down thanks to my involvement.

...And of course there's already the guilt of taking any time for myself, being worried that others will see me taking time for myself and see it as me being unwilling to help them in their time of need. The only "Me Time" I get any more is when I'm in the bathroom, or when I'm sitting on the computer, so that's where every spare second is spent.

So the only "solution" is to stop helping people, choose which people I get to tell "Sorry but your problems are nowhere NEAR as important as my relaxation", and replace my depression with guilt. Depression, at least, is a known variable that I have a proven track record against. Guilt, however, only leads to more depression.

So the things a Counselor or Therapist could suggest for me: Take the guilt or take the depression.

(BTW, writing is the only way this type of stuff can come out - I know that if I'm dealing with a person face-to-face I'll just nod and agree to whatever they say in order to please them and make them feel good about what they've accomplished with me).

I don't have time for *me* right now, so how would it help me to try and cram yet ANOTHER thing (a weekly therapy session or something) in to my already jam-packed schedule? A commitment where the person is going to tell me I need to have less commitments?

Comments

[lynna12000.livejournal.com]

It sounds like you have tried everything you know, that usually works. Why not try something different?

You do a lot of things for other people. You really do. And they appreciate that. But their problems are just that: Theirs. If they are good friends, they will understand that you need to put their problems on the backburner for a while (delayed, but not forgotten), and work on your own.

Try the therapist for a while. Doing something different may help. You won't just be helping yourself, you'll be helping your family. Family hates it when family members are hurting.

Just remember the old saying: A Change is as good as a Rest. It can't hurt to try.

[man-of-snows.livejournal.com]

I disnt know what counseling could do for me either, but surpriaingly it helpes in my case. Maybe in only saying out loud where i was to reinforce better choixes on my own part.

[aurora77]

A good therapist can provide perspective. They can help you see your reality from different points of view. They don't show you anything that isn't already there, they just give you different ways of looking at them and maybe some improved methods for dealing with them.

If you make room for a therapist, they can probably help you figure out enough things in your life to pay back the time, if not in quantity, at least in quality.

Will we be seeing you this weekend? Your family is the most anticipated on the guest list. Other than the birthday boy, of course. :) There's zero drinking planned. Drinking and board games don't mix well, anyway.

[aurora77]

Oooh, and if you want to do any comics trading, there's some stuff I picked up in quarter bins and that I've already read that I'd be willing to trade. I'm primarily interested in Marvel, but I have liked some stuff from lots of other publishers, too. I don't have a huge variety at the moment, since I gave away a lot of my most kid-friendly stuff, but I have quite a bit that isn't in the Totally Mature range, too. (Honestly, the most kid-unfriendly stuff I have I don't want to trade anyway - B*tch Planet and Pretty Deadly being two of the collections I will probably keep till I die).

[captain-slinky.livejournal.com]

I am not aware of any events going on this weekend? I mean, I had heard that there's a party for Stephen somewhere, but assumed we weren't invited because there would be booze and no other kids?

[aurora77]

I'm checking in on that. I don't have access to the guest list. Just providing the venue.

[captain-slinky.livejournal.com]

Crystal and I figured it out! We were invited way back in the planning stages and had to decline because this was the weekend that my Mom was supposed to be moving in to her new place, but that deal fell through.

I HAVE A WEEKEND FOR ME!!!

So no, we won't be coming to the party, but hope everyone will have a good time :)