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MY MIRACULOUS ASS
Mar. 14th, 2005 12:22 pmWARNING: Fecal-centric post ahead, but well worth it. Please do not reveal the inspiring end of this post to your family or friends, let them experience the miracle for themselves.
So this morning, as i was cooking breakfast, I discovered that I had The Runs (ak "The Scoots", "The Hershey Squirts", "Tiajuanna Firesquats"). This moment of discovery was somehting that I'm sure you've experienced yourself, where I had been passing gas all morning long and then suddenly OOPS I'm no longer passing gas because that last one was pure liquid. You know what I'm talking about? So I clenched my cheeks together, turned off all the burners, and rushed to the bathroom to do my best anal impression of A&W Rootbeer on tap.
Thank you for sticking with the post this far. I assure you, you WILL be amazed. Get ready for it, Miracle dead ahead!
As I'm sitting on the crapper "working things out", I decide to check for damages. Will a change of underwear be required? Did it soak through to my pants? Will I need to take another shower? So as I am evaluating the extent of the damage, I notice that only a little bit got to my underwear - enough to warant a change of undergarment, at the very least. No cheek contamination, at it would seem that the underwear contained the spill sufficiently enough as to protect the pants.
And then I saw it.
Get ready for it... brace yourself.
There, in the poop-stain of my Tighty-Whiteys, was the word "Hi". I swear to God. Plain as day, capital "H", lower-case "i". A message from either God or My Ass, I'm not sure which yet.
This is the best thing to happen to me through my ass since Christmas of '89, when I crapped the word "JOY" in the firmest, brightest turds you ever did see. It was a shame to flush away that special memory, now I'm torn as to what should be done with my Miracle Briefs. Keep them? Wash them? Try to sell them on Ebay???
So this morning, as i was cooking breakfast, I discovered that I had The Runs (ak "The Scoots", "The Hershey Squirts", "Tiajuanna Firesquats"). This moment of discovery was somehting that I'm sure you've experienced yourself, where I had been passing gas all morning long and then suddenly OOPS I'm no longer passing gas because that last one was pure liquid. You know what I'm talking about? So I clenched my cheeks together, turned off all the burners, and rushed to the bathroom to do my best anal impression of A&W Rootbeer on tap.
Thank you for sticking with the post this far. I assure you, you WILL be amazed. Get ready for it, Miracle dead ahead!
As I'm sitting on the crapper "working things out", I decide to check for damages. Will a change of underwear be required? Did it soak through to my pants? Will I need to take another shower? So as I am evaluating the extent of the damage, I notice that only a little bit got to my underwear - enough to warant a change of undergarment, at the very least. No cheek contamination, at it would seem that the underwear contained the spill sufficiently enough as to protect the pants.
And then I saw it.
Get ready for it... brace yourself.
There, in the poop-stain of my Tighty-Whiteys, was the word "Hi". I swear to God. Plain as day, capital "H", lower-case "i". A message from either God or My Ass, I'm not sure which yet.
This is the best thing to happen to me through my ass since Christmas of '89, when I crapped the word "JOY" in the firmest, brightest turds you ever did see. It was a shame to flush away that special memory, now I'm torn as to what should be done with my Miracle Briefs. Keep them? Wash them? Try to sell them on Ebay???
