Fourth Of July Plans
Jul. 1st, 2005 02:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
captain_slinkyPerfect itinerary for the Fourth Of July Festivities behind the LJ Cut (blatantly stolen from somewhere but I frogot where)
9:17 am – Wake up, probably feeling a slight bit hung over from the previous night’s shenanigans. Recite the Pledge of Allegiance loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear.
9:20 am – Take a nice cold shower, listening to Lee Greenwoods Greatest Hits, which I made myself, which is just “God Bless the USA” on repeat. Immediately iron American Flag print polo, navy shorts when I get out of shower.
10:00 am – Head to the convenience store to get beer. Stand in beer section pondering the purchase of either Budweiser or Busch. No “lite” products will be considered on this day. Decide to get a case of each. Call woman in store a Communist for purchasing Smirnoff Ice.
10:31 am – Order an Egg McMuffin from McDonald's. When denied because breakfast ends at 10:30, ask cashier, “Would you deny George Washington an Egg McMuffin at 10:31 on our Independence Day?” Call her a Communist when she says “yes”, and order a Quarter Pounder with Cheese instead, insisting that she at least refer to the fries as “Freedom Fries”.
11:00 am – Head to friend’s all-day BBQ. Start pounding beers as soon as I get there.
11:15 am – Stop at the fireworks stand on the side of the road and purchase some sparklers. Haggle with the guy running the stand to show me the “real” fireworks. When he says he has none I give him a wink and he still says no. Leave mad, but really okay, since I purchased illegal fireworks months ago.
11:30 am – Take inventory of all of the food that will be served and make a short list in my head of what I want to eat. Today is all about three things: beer, food and explosives.
11:50 am – Insist that the TV be turned to ESPN for the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest. This will get me fully prepared for the gluttony that will take place later that day. Tell people that Kobayashi is overrated and is going to lose.
12:05 pm – Insist that Kobayashi, despite winning four contests in a row and downing a record 53.5 dogs last year using his “Solomon Method”, will in fact lose today. When someone I don’t know asks me why, I’ll say because he’s not American.
12:25 pm – After losing $20 on my “field” pick against the guy I don’t know’s pick of Kobayashi, argue with him that Kobayashi still sucks because he lost to a Kodiak Bear on that shitty Man Vs. Beast show in 2003. When he says, “Yeah, he lost because it was a bear!”, I’ll counter with, “Yeah, and the bear was probably ‘Merican!”
1:00 pm – I’m on my fifth beer already. Time to eat.
1:30 pm – Sit down with a plate of three hot dogs, two burgers and a chicken breast slathered in BBQ sauce. I’ll have no beans because they will be plopped right beside the potato salad, and potato salad is fucking disgusting.
2:00 pm – Reach to loosen my belt. Oh wait… I am a smart motherfucker and wore elastic waist pants. OK, so I always do already, because I am fat.
3:00 pm – It’s been a while since I last ate. I’ll have downed two more beers and squashed out a massive dump. Time to find the darkest hot dog that has been sitting on the grill since it was first lit and eat that bitch with no bun.
4:00 pm – Getting drunker and angrier, yell at the couple walking in the door with Coronas in hand. People just seem to associate outside drinking with nasty-ass Corona. If you must add a lime to drink to make it taste good, it must taste like shit. Tell them that I don’t remember this being Cinco de Mayo and they need to drink some American beer. Chuck a can of warm ‘weiser at them and tell them to piss off.
5:06 pm – Go to take a piss. Talk to myself in bathroom mirror for about 15 minutes, saying stuff like, “Man, I am so wasted” and “Fucking 4th of July, man!” I have a problem with doing things like this.
5:43 pm – Find group talking about our Nation’s history and general politics of today. Tell them, “All I know is that if the South would have won, we’d of had it made.” Argue for about 11 minutes, call them Communists and walk off.
6:00 pm – Take a dirt nap in back yard, face down. Make sure to fall asleep very close to an ant bed, or as I like to call it, “God’s Alarm Clock for the Drunk”.
7:17 pm – Wake up covered in ants, screaming. Jump in pool to get them off. Have to be saved from drowning by girlfriend, since I cannot swim.
8:03 pm – Have the Florida 4th of July conversation: “Is it going to rain, or do we get to see fireworks?”
8:38 pm – Grab illegal fireworks and start to lay out what I’ll shoot off first. Tell people that ask, “Aren’t you too drunk to be handling those?” to go fuck themselves.
8:42 pm – Burn my thumb on the first firework I shoot off and start to cry. Call everyone a Communist for not helping me with my burnt digit.
9:13 pm – Sit in corner of house alone, eating raw hot dogs dipped in nacho cheese dip, wondering why everyone sucks but me. Drink my 21st beer of the day and pass out.
9:22 pm – Piss pants and drool all over self while people that hate me at the party take pictures with me.
4:31 am – Wake up to dog licking my ear. Wonder where the fuck I am.
8:45 am – Call girlfriend and ask her what happened last night.
9:17 am – Wake up, probably feeling a slight bit hung over from the previous night’s shenanigans. Recite the Pledge of Allegiance loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear.
9:20 am – Take a nice cold shower, listening to Lee Greenwoods Greatest Hits, which I made myself, which is just “God Bless the USA” on repeat. Immediately iron American Flag print polo, navy shorts when I get out of shower.
10:00 am – Head to the convenience store to get beer. Stand in beer section pondering the purchase of either Budweiser or Busch. No “lite” products will be considered on this day. Decide to get a case of each. Call woman in store a Communist for purchasing Smirnoff Ice.
10:31 am – Order an Egg McMuffin from McDonald's. When denied because breakfast ends at 10:30, ask cashier, “Would you deny George Washington an Egg McMuffin at 10:31 on our Independence Day?” Call her a Communist when she says “yes”, and order a Quarter Pounder with Cheese instead, insisting that she at least refer to the fries as “Freedom Fries”.
11:00 am – Head to friend’s all-day BBQ. Start pounding beers as soon as I get there.
11:15 am – Stop at the fireworks stand on the side of the road and purchase some sparklers. Haggle with the guy running the stand to show me the “real” fireworks. When he says he has none I give him a wink and he still says no. Leave mad, but really okay, since I purchased illegal fireworks months ago.
11:30 am – Take inventory of all of the food that will be served and make a short list in my head of what I want to eat. Today is all about three things: beer, food and explosives.
11:50 am – Insist that the TV be turned to ESPN for the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest. This will get me fully prepared for the gluttony that will take place later that day. Tell people that Kobayashi is overrated and is going to lose.
12:05 pm – Insist that Kobayashi, despite winning four contests in a row and downing a record 53.5 dogs last year using his “Solomon Method”, will in fact lose today. When someone I don’t know asks me why, I’ll say because he’s not American.
12:25 pm – After losing $20 on my “field” pick against the guy I don’t know’s pick of Kobayashi, argue with him that Kobayashi still sucks because he lost to a Kodiak Bear on that shitty Man Vs. Beast show in 2003. When he says, “Yeah, he lost because it was a bear!”, I’ll counter with, “Yeah, and the bear was probably ‘Merican!”
1:00 pm – I’m on my fifth beer already. Time to eat.
1:30 pm – Sit down with a plate of three hot dogs, two burgers and a chicken breast slathered in BBQ sauce. I’ll have no beans because they will be plopped right beside the potato salad, and potato salad is fucking disgusting.
2:00 pm – Reach to loosen my belt. Oh wait… I am a smart motherfucker and wore elastic waist pants. OK, so I always do already, because I am fat.
3:00 pm – It’s been a while since I last ate. I’ll have downed two more beers and squashed out a massive dump. Time to find the darkest hot dog that has been sitting on the grill since it was first lit and eat that bitch with no bun.
4:00 pm – Getting drunker and angrier, yell at the couple walking in the door with Coronas in hand. People just seem to associate outside drinking with nasty-ass Corona. If you must add a lime to drink to make it taste good, it must taste like shit. Tell them that I don’t remember this being Cinco de Mayo and they need to drink some American beer. Chuck a can of warm ‘weiser at them and tell them to piss off.
5:06 pm – Go to take a piss. Talk to myself in bathroom mirror for about 15 minutes, saying stuff like, “Man, I am so wasted” and “Fucking 4th of July, man!” I have a problem with doing things like this.
5:43 pm – Find group talking about our Nation’s history and general politics of today. Tell them, “All I know is that if the South would have won, we’d of had it made.” Argue for about 11 minutes, call them Communists and walk off.
6:00 pm – Take a dirt nap in back yard, face down. Make sure to fall asleep very close to an ant bed, or as I like to call it, “God’s Alarm Clock for the Drunk”.
7:17 pm – Wake up covered in ants, screaming. Jump in pool to get them off. Have to be saved from drowning by girlfriend, since I cannot swim.
8:03 pm – Have the Florida 4th of July conversation: “Is it going to rain, or do we get to see fireworks?”
8:38 pm – Grab illegal fireworks and start to lay out what I’ll shoot off first. Tell people that ask, “Aren’t you too drunk to be handling those?” to go fuck themselves.
8:42 pm – Burn my thumb on the first firework I shoot off and start to cry. Call everyone a Communist for not helping me with my burnt digit.
9:13 pm – Sit in corner of house alone, eating raw hot dogs dipped in nacho cheese dip, wondering why everyone sucks but me. Drink my 21st beer of the day and pass out.
9:22 pm – Piss pants and drool all over self while people that hate me at the party take pictures with me.
4:31 am – Wake up to dog licking my ear. Wonder where the fuck I am.
8:45 am – Call girlfriend and ask her what happened last night.
