Pretty People DO NOT Come To Swap Meets

[captain_slinky]

I meant to mention this on Sunday, because I *am* a Judgmental Bastard. The biggest trend I noticed at The Swap Meet on Sunday was this; Pretty People DO NOT go to The Swap Meet.

The most attractive people you'll find at The Swap Meet are people who *were* pretty hot during their Sophomore year of High School before they got pregnant and gained some 40-lbs of undroppable Pregnancy Weight, yet they insist on wearing all their pre-preggers clothing to The Swap Meet. Or, for The ladies, there's plenty of guys who were "The Bad Boy" back in High School. Back in '94 he may have been the subject of all your fantasies, but now he's just a chubby greaseball in a dirty "Orange County Choppers" wife-beater tank top and a baseball cap.

There is also a corollary! The Swap Meet repels Pretty people equally as much as it attracts Trashy People!

A loverly couple came up to my spot at the Swap Meet and were browsing around. Descriptions: She looked to be maybe 22-years-old with a smoking-withered face that looked 47, wearing a "Baby Doll" t-shirt and hip-hugger jeans that made her look like she had a Shar-pei puppy grafted to her midsection; He was wearing an "FBI (Female Booby Inspector)" baseball cap, dirty "Low Rider Camaro" T-shirt and torn jeans, looked like he hadn't washed himself or his clothes in about 4 weeks. The cutest thing about this couple, though, was their matching dental work; she was missing her 4 top-front teeth, his bottom teeth where gapped and straying in every-which direction.

So they're looking at my stuff, two things in particular; The Box Of Random Computer Stuff (Ethernet cables, Coax, a broken joystick, an old Cable Modem and a 1.5 Megapixel Camera from about 8 years ago) and the Big Box of $1 T-Shirts that my Brother had given to me (all were either West Coast Choppers and/otr Snap-on Tools).

"Baby," says The Woman "Lookee here! It's wunndem DEEjtul Camruhs!"

(I am not making up the dialect for humorous purposes... they were actually speaking Slackjaw-ese!)

He stopped looking at the box full of shirts and looked over to his woman. "ShhhhhhIdunno baby..."

I piped in with "I'll let you have the WHOLE BOX for just $1!"

Her eyes lit up. They turned their backs to me so they could hold a conference in private, only part I was able to hear clearly was him, pleading "But Baby, you KNOW I needs me a new shirt! We've only got the $5 with us and if *you* buy that COM-puter stuff for a dollar and I buy the shirt for $1, that'll be..."

"..."

"...That'll be like THREE DOLLARS!"

---

I kid you not. You CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP, FOLKS!!!

Comments

[gamera-spinning.livejournal.com]

I feel dirty.

[hallerlake.livejournal.com]

somehow I envision you sitting three doors down from the Klan recruiting station :P

[captain-slinky.livejournal.com]

That was on the other side of the Swap Meet, next to the State Militia Recruitment Drive.

[pastilla.livejournal.com]

Wonderfully transcribed. You are describing about 90% of the population of Humboldt County, CA (near Eureka), where I currently live. Every day is like the Worst of Judge Judy.

[bghsmith.livejournal.com]

Ah, you missed a Golden opportunity there! Just think how they would have sent all their friends over to purchase from you had you said "Tell ya what, I'll give you 2 shirts and the box of stuff for $3!"

They'd thought you an all day sucker and would have sent more folks to 'con' you out your things for cheap.

[fritters.livejournal.com]

Might I add that I frequently go to swap meets, so that I may watch you attempt to wriggle out of this one??

[captain-slinky.livejournal.com]

Oh, sure... as if ANYONE who has a non-MySpace Blog thinks of themselves as "Attractive" and/or "Smart". Puh-LEEEEEZ!

Besides, you know who else was there? ME!

[sasjhwa.livejournal.com]

I still have a few shirts here and those beer pulls if you ever want to pick them up. I would hate to deprive the yearning masses.

[captain-slinky.livejournal.com]

I'm sure they would sell very very well there :)

Molly's sick, so everything for the next few days will be done around her sleep schedule... could I maybe stop by today?

[sasjhwa.livejournal.com]

You are welcome to drop by any time between 2 and 7. We'll be gone before 2 and Caleb will start the bedtime ritual about 7ish. Give me a call before you come over so I make sure I'm here.

I'll have the Communist Buckethead drawing for you too if you can bring the Audio Land book. :D

I hope Molly feels better.

[captain-slinky.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[nani-ka.livejournal.com]

God, i've missed posts like these...

and here I thought it was all over when the Evil Empire threw you overboard!

[captain-slinky.livejournal.com]

All I need is a few large groups of people to be judgmental about... all I've had to judge since leaving EvilEmpireCo has been Bert & Ernie!

And you don't WANT to get me started on Bert & Ernie!

[amberlorien.livejournal.com]

NJ rednecks aren't much different. Somehow these tribes survive despite the geographic terrain.

[captain-slinky.livejournal.com]

The movie "Idiocracy" shows exactly how their tribes survive. See, the SMART people postpone having kids. "We can't have a child right now, it's just financially unfeasible! And there's so much i want to do before settling down... i want to go to Europe! And Asia! So, once we have Europe and Asia done, then we just need to have a house. And a Summer House. And employment that will pay for a maid, a nanny, college tuition for our little bundle of joy, and a tidy little nest-egg for our own retirement.

Meanwhile, The Rednecks turn 14 and say "Yer purdy, wanna fool around?" And then they pop out 17 kids before they turn 21.

It's kinda like the game 'Starcraft' and The Rednecks are The Zerg :)

[amberlorien.livejournal.com]

LOL!!!