The Best Suicide Ride Ever: HAUNTED MANSION

Did you ever notice that The Haunted Mansion is just a great big trip through madness that ends in suicide? Consider this...

At the beginning of the ride the Ghost Host (the narrator) says the only way to escape the mansion is to die, and he shows that he hanged himself, but not before pointing out that "This chamber has no windows and no doors, which offers you this chilling challenge: to find a way out!"

You venture in to the darkened hallways of the mansion and witness horror after horror. You're unable to change your course and are compelled to continue upwards in to the attic, all the while having ghosts try to frighten you. Eventually you can't take it any more, you need to get outside, get some fresh air to clear your head. You find yourself outside, on the roof of the mansion, looking down on the graveyard that is absolutely SWARMING with ghosts. You can't take it any more.

You turn your back to the graveyard and lean back, allowing yourself to fall from the roof and through the trees to the cold hard ground below. The fall is gentle, almost relaxing, as you let go of all the madness. Your decent slows as you seem to almost float to ground level, right at the entrance to the graveyard - only the kindly old groundskeeper nor his trusty dob seem to notice you.

You step in to the graveyard and still see all the ghosts, only now instead of trying to frighten you, they're WELCOMING YOU with a big party!

Welcome to The Land Of The Dead! You found the one way out - DEATH! You're free to leave, but hurry BAAAAAAA-aaack... and be sure to bring your DEATH Certificate...

The HORROR of One Week Back On Facebook

It was pointed out to me by sasjhwa that just a few days after I returned to my new, slim, pared-down version of Facebook (down from 400 friends to about 30), I had reverted to the traditional grunting single-line snark that passes for conversation there. I had devolved from my lofty holier-than-thou status to a mundane presence of snappy one-line complaints and trollish replies.

I spent far too much time this last couple of days scrolling back and cursing about how much I hate Facebook, kind of like being th fat guy at a buffet crying about how I can't stop over-eating :(

You wanna know what you missed by not seeing my Facebook posts? Here they are:

After a solid week-and-a-half actively avoiding Facebook, I think I've figured out how to make it work for me and suck a littl less of my soul with each log-in. I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge; MOST of you will be getting dropped from my News Feed :/

That was easier than I thought...

I think my biggest problem so far with the BBC's "Merlin (we just started watching) is that it FEELS very, very *American*. Like it could have been a UPN show that nobody knew about because it was on UPN.

The Westboro Baptist Church has gone too far this time. I may have to Unfriend them.

Michael Dyer was right in recommending the new Scooby Doo cartoon from Netflix - it's FANTASTIC! I had originally avoided it because of complaints from Jeremy C. Joseph, but I figure that was from a purely artistic/animator standpoint? Writing is superb! (It should be noted that the largest "conversation" I had on Facebook this week was over this post because Michael did NOT recommend the cartoon and Jeremy did NOT complain about it, and they both defended their honor valiantly)

All my best bowel movements happen in public restrooms. Right now I am delivering an Angry Fudge Turtle to the Seattle Aquarium!

Saturday and Sunday passes to PAX Prime procured for my bride and I by the quick-thinking Roy Corey, thank you!

How do bowling alleys always have such awesome bad food? This cheeseburger is delicious!

"Hotel Transylvania" was the reverse of my "Is That Kids Movie Good or Bad" rule... I was enjoying it quite a bit till they tacked on a 5-minute forced Rap Battle Dance Party at the end.

I think I'm going to give up watching one of my shows. They just keep having the same rehashed plot lines and killing off random characters for no good reason. So now that I'm giving up The ABC Nightly News, maybe I'll have time to rewatch Arrested Development...

Wow... "Community" hasn't been THIS good since the first half of the first season!

There were also a few reposts of videos and images that I'm ashamed of because, like I said before, it's like shouting in to a crowded room with no purpose other than getting attention and I can't BELIEVE how quick and easy it was to devolve in to my old patterns! Sure it was only a week, but dude IT WAS ONLY A WEEK! My self-righteousness should have still been fresh in my mind!

Half those posts were made from my phone while I was pooping.