Nailing the Disney Princesses: The Reasoning

[captain_slinky]

A follow-up to yesterday's post, explaining the whys and the hows of which Disney Princesses I think I could nail and which ones I couldn't.

Jasmine - Yes Jasmine, thanks to her sheltered childhood, now has a thirst to try EVERYTHING at least once. It's that adventurous streak I would try to appeal to, and if she refused I would pull the "Yeah, your Dad probably wouldn't have approved anyway..."

Snow White - Oh HELL yeah! As I explained to spazzychic, She totaly looks like a hot goth/punk chick to me! And she's totaly got the "Girls Gone Wild" thing going for her, too. Raised as "Daddy's little Princess", gets out of the castle one night and ends up shacking up with 7 older dudes, and ingests and substance put before her by strangers. She is the Disney Princess most likely to have body piercings and/or tattoos. I figure I could nail her for the cost of a few wine coolers and/or some Mardi Gras beads.

Cinderella - Yes Ahh, poor little Cindy. She's the low self-esteme princess! Stepmom and sisters constantly telling her she's garbage and worthless, that's GOTTA have some residual effects! Like any slightly chubby 3am Denny's Waitress, she could be wooed with just a few simple back-handed put-down compliments such as "I like a girl with a little meat on her bones" or "I don't care what everybody else says, *I* think you're gorgeous". Now when does your shift end, baby? I'll give you a ride home *wink*!

Ariel - No LORD how I despise Ariel! She's one of those rich-bitch snobby little spoled rotten cock-tease girls. She's the Paris Hilton of the Disney Princesses. Just look at her movie! "My Daddy is King and I can have anything I want! He even love me more than any of his other daughters! But I don't care... if Daddy won't let me have the one thing that's totaly forbidden and irrational for me to want, then I'm gonna RUN AWAY!" Oh BOO frickin' HOO, poor little spoiled rich girl! She's the type who will date you just to piss off her Dad, and she'll get you all hot and bothered, but the most you're gonna get is a snog and a boob-squeeze.

Belle - Yes Belle is by far the most desireable Princess. Sort of nerdy, reclusive, and a bit of a Tomboy... but she cleans up real nice! And I know she's not in to looks, or else she would have hooked up with Gaston YEARS ago. No, she's looking for a Knight in Shinning Armor-type... the type that just isn't to be found! I'd have to get to her some time before the movie actually starts, maybe try bumping in to her at the Book Store. Discussing books, fantasy, love... have you ever kissed a man before? A simple game of "I Never" and she's as good as nailed!

Aurora - No Sleeping Beauty is just too good for me. I have no idea how I would approach getting her in the sack. Girls like that (girls with no discernable personality defects) intimidate me. Plus, she seems a bit bland. No real interests, no desires. Not sure if I COULDN'T nail her, or just WOULDN'T, ya know?

Mulan - No Too athletic! Her idea of a great date would be to go work out at the gym, then have a sensible dinner and get to sleep so we can be up at 5am for our morning cardio workout. Unfortunately, I would pass out 10 minutes in to the date thanks to the evil that is The Treadmill. I also imagine that she's totaly buff that chick from WWE (Chyna?) or an American Gladiator chick, and that's a real turn-off for me.

Poccahontas - HELL no I'll just come out and say it; she's a Dyke. My only chance would be to get her REALLY drunk and try to get her on the subject of how wonderful it would be to have a Baby, but I respect her life choice too much to do that to her.

Tinker Belle - No She's a high-strung Raver Chick who lives with a bunch of guys, but I'm sure she never gives no play. Sort of a cross between Snow White and Ariel, leaning more towards the "cock-tease and a boob-squeeze" of Ariel, only without the motivation of "juist doing it to piss off Daddy". Tink does it because she loves to use boys as playthings, no two ways about it.

Now it's up to YOU to decide which is most disturbing! Is it the fact that I've actually THOUGHT OUT my plans to nail all these cartoon characters, or is it that I've decided to SHARE MY PLANS with the general populace?

Comments

[agelesseuridice.livejournal.com]

you left out Megara and Jane.

I'm asking mostly cause I'm not sure who Megara is.

I'm also very pleased you left out Lilo, cause that would have been disturbing in a whole new way, not in the I am very amused that you rationalized sex with the princesses and vaugly disturbed that we, ummm I mean, you think of them as real.

[captain-slinky.livejournal.com]

Megara was the girl from "Herculese"... nobody thinks of her. Left her out 'cuz I haven't actually seen the movie :(

Left out Jane because she's not REALLY a Princess, no matter how you look at it.

Left out Lilo, Wendy, Minnie, Daisy and any of the Aristocats because, well, that's just wrong :)

nail the princess

[agelesseuridice.livejournal.com]

I had forgotten about Megara the hooker with a heart of gold. Payday she's mine.

And Jane, well she's too into the adventure to like Mulan. I love strong women, but these two are just too focused on "big picture"

I totally agree that Poccahontas is a true double souled Native American, from her tree huggin' vegan ways and vast aray of pets, oh yeah megga dyke.

And Belle, being a tomboy and french and all, pretty sure she'd be willing to ride a girl, total top, total control, but damn she'd leave a gal happy.

Snow White, every Goth chick I know parties with Hecuba when the moon is right.

Ariel no, all the reasons you mentioned.

Cinderella, kindness will earn love. Problem with gals like Cindy, I tend to fall too hard, and then when the right man comes along, I'm the present opener at the wedding, not even good enough to make it into the ranks of bride's maid.

Tinker Bell, oh she'd do me and make the boys watch. I'd used and satisified.

The rest, I'd have to go with the strong butch thing, complete with the horse and borrowed sword. They would be mine as long as I wanted 'em.

Now lets take a look at the wicked women. Seems they're all into bondage...

Re: nail the princess

[captain-slinky.livejournal.com]

Well the WICKED wimmin, yeah, not a problem. That's part of being evil is that you'll do any THING at any TIME!

Ariel, I think would be more than willing to make out with a girl if she thought it would get her what she wanted.

And OH YES with Belle, she'd TOTALY be in to it!

[nani-ka.livejournal.com]

its ALL very disturbing.

Its also very disturbing that i'm actually thinking about thinking about considering it a meme & posting it in my journal.... where my MOM could see it.

Potentially hilarious, though.

[captain-slinky.livejournal.com]

No "potentially" about it! Hillarity WILL ensue!