captain_slinky: (Guy)
Just spent 20 minutes explaing to a customer what EVERY SINGLE BUTTON on the Remote Control does.

"This one that says 'Menu'... what does that do?"

That brings up the Menu.

"Oh! Okaaaaaaay... And this one that says 'Last Channel'... what does that do?"

That takes you to the last channel you were on.

"Oh! Okaaaaaaay... And this one that says 'Help'... what does that do?"

That takes you to the Help Menu.

"Oh! Okaaaaaaay... And this one that says 'Volume Plus'... what does that do?"

That one would turn the volume up.

"Oh! Okaaaaaaay... And this one that says 'Volume minus'... what do- "

captain_slinky: (Default)
12:01AM: "I'm tellin' ya, I've had it hooked up before and I didn't need no stupid cable modem! I just screwed the coax directly in to the back of my computer and away I went! Yes, it was when I was with Comcast about 7 years ago! I know what I'm doing! Watch! I'll show you!"

(Customer puts down the phone and proceedes with 15 minutes of rustling around, swearing at cables, crashing and banging)

12:16PM "Where the hell does that cable screw in to the back of my computer? Did you guys flip a switch and make it go away?"


Jan. 13th, 2006 10:16 pm
captain_slinky: (Default)
Things customers say that fill me with glee (though I'll never let them know it):
  • "The only light on the modem is the orange 'Standby' one"
  • "Oh! Well that sounds like a problem with my *computer*, not the internet! I'll take it in and have somebody look at it for me"
  • "I'm a engineer, and I KNOW that unplugging my modem and router won't have any effect at all but I'll do it to humor you anyway"
  • "I'm not that bright... maybe I'll just have my husband call back when he gets home"
  • (youngish female voice) "I'm sorry, I'm sorry... we're drunk. Bear with us here... it's our freshman year! Can you beleive all three of us have NO DATES tonight? And let me tell you, WE. ARE. HOT! SO how about you *giggle*... you sound *HOT*! Whatcha doin' tonight?"
  • "WOW! I - thank you! I didn't think it was gonna... WOW!"
  • "Unplug the modem? Yeah, hang on..." *fumblefumbleCRASHfumbleCRASH* "DAMMIT! Hang on..."
captain_slinky: (Bug)
Here is a partial list of the things that people say on the phone when calling for tech support that really just put me in a foul frame of mind:
  • "Yeah, I just have a quick question..."
  • (in response to me saying "Thank you for calling Comcast, may I help you?) "*SIGH* Well I doubt you CAN help me."
  • "Oh, and one more thing before I letcha go..." (usually repeated at least three times before the call is done)
  • "Well it was working this morning"
  • "I don't see why I should have to ________, I didn't even touch anything and it just stopped working!"
  • "Well the LAST person I talked to helped me with my (insert unsupported issue or hardware), so why can't YOU?"
  • "I already did that"
captain_slinky: (Guy)
Less than an hour in to my shift and I have not had a GOOD call yet.

One guy is calling in for the 4th (and certainly not last) time today to express his concerns over the fact that we can't send someone out there RIGHT NOW to fix his internet, he'll have to wait till morning.

A lady who has been without service since MONDAY because the three different techs who went out there this week all said "Whoa! Yeah, I can't fix that!" and left.

A fellow who made a payment *yesterday*, yet can't understand why the bill he received in the mail *today* doesn't reflect the payment he just made.

...And of course the normal assorted mixed nuts who call in on a regular basis. Only all of them are MEAN tonight!
captain_slinky: (Guy)
I feel like I'm in an old fashioned horror film tonight as each of my co-werkers violently falls victim to the deadliest of all killers, The Stupid Caller!

We all thought it would be great fun to drive out to the old abandoned cabin up in the mountains known as Comcast today. It'll be great! No adults to bug us as we drink, smoke pot, go skinny-dipping and have pre-marital sex! And of course we totaly ignored the warnings from the crazy old coot at the convenience store on the way up here, him and his stories about the 27 bodies they found in that cabin years ago and how they never found the killer.

So here we are in this lovely secluded mountain cabin of a call center when THE STUPID CALLER STRIKES! Not more than 2 cubicles away from me, I can hear the phone rep's death rattle: "What? No! Don't - don't click on the - okay, you clicked on it. Go ahead and close that and - NO! DON'T UNPLUG YOUR COMPUTER WHY ARE YOU UNPLUGGING YOUR COMPUTER?!?!"

Then, mere moments after that one The Stupid Caller strikes again! "No, see, we disconnected your cable because you haven't made a payment in over 3 months. No m'am we did NOT disconnect it because you are Black. We are not attempting to 'Keep You Down' in any way. No m'am I am fairly certain that Martin Luther King's 'I Have A Dream' speech had NOTHING to do with you getting to see 'Lost' tonight. Please... please stop yelling, m'am..."

One by one they've all fallen victim to the nefarious plots of The Stupid Caller. "No you can't pay your bill with Food Stamps"... "I'm fairly sure that your printer isn't going to have any effect on your internet connection"... "I'm sorry but you must have at least Windows 98 to get on the internet, your 486 running Win3.1 just isn't gonna cut it"...

I'm so scarred right now. I... I don't know where everyone else is! I'm running through the woods in my underwear and the trees seem to be closing in on me! This is it! i just KNOW that the next Stupid Caller is coming for ME!

Dead Horse

Dec. 29th, 2005 11:59 pm
captain_slinky: (Default)
The customer called in, concerned because he had not been able to get on-line all day long. Early this morning his brand-new wireless router started smoking, went "Fzzt!" and then all the lights on it went out. Also, the "PC-Link" light on his cable modem went out. Despite the overwhelming evidence that suggested his router was kaput, I did the standard trouble-shooting anyways. Unplugged it, plugged it in to a different outlet, swapped out the cat5 cable, checked all connections... nothing.

I helped him bypass the router, hooking the modem directly to his computer. The PC-Link light came back on, he got on-line just fine, and this would normally be The End of our call.

"So... now that The Internet's working again, can you help me hook my router back up?"

I bemusedly explained to him that the smoke/all lights off/"FZZT!" combo isn't really a normal procedure for a router to go through and that it was dead.

This confused the customer, mainly because he had "...Just BOUGHT this Router like three DAYS ago!"

I explained Entropy, Chaos Theory, Life & Death, The Changing Of The Seasons, Cost-Effectiveness of Cheap Overseas Labor and anything else that came to mind regarding why the router might not be working right now even though "It was working yesterday just fine". I used simple, easy-to-understand words and terms, leaving phoenetical pauses where I beleived he might wish to interject with any questions. There should have been no question by the end of my lecture as to why Mr. Router had to take the big dirt nap.

"Well, yeah... but can we just *try* it again and see if it works now?"

Well sir... you can *try* to get back on a dead horse as many times as you like, but you ain't gonna get anywhere and you'll just end up smelling like a dead horse.
captain_slinky: (Default)
"I'm sorry, Sir, but there's no way we can GIVE you more than 24 hours of Porn in a day. It... it just won't fit! That's all! Only 24 hours in the day, sorry! Have you considered signing up for our High-Speed Internet service? There's, uh... there's PLENTY of porn out there!"


captain_slinky: (Default)

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